April soft and cold: If I had a shiny gun

You know how much I worship Dorothy Parker, so you know we would no more get through National Poetry Month without something from her than we would without Shakespeare.

Since yesterday we wandered through the love life of Catullus and Lesbia, let’s have Parker’s “From a Letter from Lesbia” today. In “Letter”, Parker skewers not only Catullus, but that whole poet-fixated-on-amour thing.

... So, praise the gods, Catullus is away!

And let me tend you this advice, my dear:

Take any lover that you will, or may,

Except a poet. All of them are queer.

It's just the same- a quarrel or a kiss

Is but a tune to play upon his pipe.

He's always hymning that or wailing this;

Myself, I much prefer the business type.

That thing he wrote, the time the sparrow died-

(Oh, most unpleasant- gloomy, tedious words!)

I called it sweet, and made believe I cried;

The stupid fool! I've always hated birds....

Moreover, from what I’ve read about Clodia (the presumptive Lesbia of Catullus’ oeuvre), she probably did hate birds.

Of course, one of the things I so admire about Parker is her ability to say exactly what I feel, but so much better. As in this one:

“Frustration:

If I had a shiny gun,

I could have a world of fun

Speeding bullets through the brains

Of the folk who give me pains;

Or had I some poison gas,

I could make the moments pass

Bumping off a number of

People whom I do not love.

But I have no lethal weapon-

Thus does Fate our pleasure step on!

So they still are quick and well

Who should be, by rights, in hell.

Parker was totally a meme before the first cat video.