Buddy, can you spare a million?

In case you haven’t seen this yet, I offer it up for a bit of levity.

And lest you think it’s just fantasy, the New York Times has informed us that the $500,000 President Obama has set as the cap on salaries for execs at banks accepting Federal bailout money—well, evidently $500,000 just doesn’t go very far these days.

With that kind of dough you’d have to think hard about cutting your two vacations per year (minimum $16,000), pulling your 2.5 kids out of private school (at $32,000 per), wearing the same $15,000 frock to multiple charity affairs and laying off the nanny to save her $45,000 salary.

What I’d like to know is: don’t these people have any savings? How about investments that they can use to fund their conspicuous consumption? Or did their funds disappear along with the holdings of the poor schmucks who invested with Bernie Madoff?

Somehow I doubt that. If they can finagle $18.4B in bonuses in a year when money was drying up like an ice cube in the Sahara, they're going to be hurting that much.

Interestingly, while the NYT tells us that this sort of make-do-and-mend sacrifice just can’t be done, evidently the masters of the universe are giving it a go. Bloomberg reports that execs are thinking twice before ordering limos or $1000 bottles of wine.

I’m sure this resonates with the 2.6 million people who lost their jobs in 2008 and nearly 600,000 laid off in January of this year.

OctoMom Report, Week 4

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer had a whole page o’ OctoMom today—two AP stories about Nadia Suleman.

The first documents Suleman’s segue from miracle mom to pregnancy pariah. According to a USC sociologist, the backlash is partly laid at the door of people who’ve lost their job or a loved one died or is in jail, & that’s why they’re pissed off at her going back repeatedly to the well of artificial insemination.

Well, not so much. I’m in none of those categories & I’m still outraged—not so much at her, because she’s obviously a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but at the MD who kept filling her womb with embryos.

I got a kick out of the YouTube video on Suleman. This is the sort of thing DARPA must have been thinking of when they invented the Internet.

The PI also had a story about Oprah’s interview with Ed Doud, Suleman’s father. He claims that his daughter’s interview with Ann Curry on NBC was “under duress”. Evidently being tempted by a national news network to babble witlessly is somehow analogous to being forced to sing disco at knifepoint.

But the corker for today is the announcement that porn distributor Vivid Entertainment has offered Suleman $1M to star in a skin flick.

Of course, even assuming that the cool mil is net, that’s just the hospital fees for the birth of the octuplets last month.

America—gonif!

Winery 101

You may recall that one of the WSJ’s wine columnists’ new year’s recommendations was to visit a new winery.

Well, here’s their advice on how to make that visit successful.

I will say this about the metro Seattle area (particularly the otherwise stultifying Eastside): I’m spoilt for choice when it comes to visiting “local wineries”; even “local wineries with decent product”.

So I plan on hitting at least three in King County. Plus the Walla Walla, Columbia Gorge and Yakima valleys.

I truly could not say that about the wineries within a 60-minute drive of Fairfax County Virginia. I recall a trek I made with my neighbors about a year ago to several wineries in Loudoun County. At one of them—I’ve tried Googling on “wineries owned by polo-playing mid-easterners with blonde trophy wives”, but still can’t find the name—the 18-year-old good-ol’ boy who was giving us the tour assured us that the winery produced “one of the ten best champagnes in the world.”

Uh—scuze me?

For one thing, the name “champagne” is only allowed to be applied to wines coming from the département of Champagne.

For another, nothing out of that place was in the top ten of anything. Unless it was the top ten of themselves.

Well, regardless—there’s probably no state in the Union that doesn’t have wineries now. So take on board the suggestions of Gaiter & Brecher, head on out to the one nearest you, and enjoy.

Military intelligence

This came to me via email a while ago. You don’t have to be in the military to appreciate some of the pith. But if you have been it'll seriously resonate.

These actual quotations were compiled by a military officer who spends much of his time waiting for other people to finish doing their jobs.

"At this command, we have written in large, black letters: 'DNR' (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR)

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in 'fat chance...'" GS-15 (SHAPE)

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS)

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (EUCOM)

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM) (Note to civilians: GO = General)

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command.

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, ...way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. -- COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(P) develops and implements their strategies.

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR) [obviously this guy has been to the wrong parts of Paris...]

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM)

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM)

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a counterterrorism conference

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."

"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..." Foreign GO/FO when asked if he had any questions following a transformation brief at JFCOM

"Transformation has long been the buzzword for those that are dispossessed, dispirited and disillusioned..." Chaplain (EUCOM), allegedly talking about the Disciples...

"There are more disconnects on this issue than CENTCOM has staff officers." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?" MAJ (EUCOM)

"I've heard of 'buzzwords' before but I have never experienced a 'buzz sentence' or a 'buzz paragraph' until today." Maj (EUCOM) after listening to a JFCOM trainer/mentor

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM)

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned; what they really are institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM)

"Vision without funding is hallucination." Maj (EUCOM)

"I work at EUCOM. I know bullsh!t when I see it." LTC (EUCOM) in a game of office poker

"How soon before we can give this guy a medal, a good OER, and send him on his way?" GS-12 (EUCOM) referring to his boss

"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit." LTC (CENTCOM)

"It was seen, visually." LTC (EUCOM) during a Reconnaissance briefing

"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..." "This should be a short conversation." LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)

"If you want to take down a country, gimme a call. We'll get it done." GO/FO (EUCOM) to a gathering of US Ambassadors

"Hello gentlemen. Are we in today or are you just ignoring my request?" GS-15 (DSCA) in an email to EUCOM staffers

"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a EUCOM watch." Maj (EUCOM)

"You only know as much as you don't know." GO (EUCOM)

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM)

"It's basically announcing to the world that I've completely given up." LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand new minivan.

"We are being told to do more and more with less and less, until eventually we will be doing everything with nothing."

"OSD (Office of the Secretary of Defense) will continue to drive this cart into the ground long after the wheels have been sold on E-bay." MAJ (JS) on the progress of FIF (Free Iraqi Forces)

"I need intelligence, not information." Maj (EUCOM)

"Please don't laugh. This is my job." Maj (EUCOM) from Protocol, explaining in great detail the approved procedures for dropping off VIPs

"Great! What we really need are some more 0-5s (Lieutenant Colonel) around here..." MAJ (EUCOM) on the release of the list of 0-5 promotables

"Don't ever be the first...don't ever be the last...and don't ever volunteer to do anything...." CDR (EUCOM) relating an ancient Navy truism

"We have no position on that issue. In fact, your position IS our position. Could you tell us what our position is?" CDR (TRANSCOM, Transportation Command) at a policy SVTC (Secure Video Teleconference)

What happens in Vegas...doesn't

Another sign that times really are hard: Las Vegas is whining that convention business is drying up, & apparently blaming President Obama for telling corporations accepting bailout—sorry, stimulus—money that it’s not meant to fund group jollies. Obama had cited Wells Fargo’s intention to send “top performers” on a 12-day junket to Vegas as an example of what not to do.

In January, 30,000 conference-associated hotel-room nights were cancelled, & meeting planners are having to be more creative about throwing parties—uh, I mean, seminars—on shoestring budgets.

Vegas hospitality reps got up on their hind legs & moaned that the Prez was picking on them, that theirs is a serious city, & companies can have way more fun for way less money than in SF or Dallas or Chicago.

Yeah, right. Perhaps if they plan on sending everyone to those dreadful buffets on the cheaper casino floors. Now there’s a good time.

But the NY Times reports that meetings are down across the board & across the country, with seven percent of meetings previously scheduled for 2009 being cancelled, & lower attendance expected at those that will still take place.

Not surprising, really: laid-off workers aren’t going to be sent to seminars or symposia; & those still employed are keeping their heads down hoping that travel budgets will be all that are axed.

Those chomping at the taxpayer trough, for once, appear to realize that appearances matter; banking, credit & construction industries are conspicuously not consuming.

There’s an interesting statistic in this story: a month ago, the occupancy rate of US hotels was 47%. What’s interesting is that name any flight going between two cities, & you can pretty much guarantee that the plane doesn’t leave the gate until they’ve crammed a butt in every seat.

I guess that means people are mostly sleeping in refrigerator cartons under freeway overpasses when they get to their destinations.

Naturally there’s a knock-on effect: fewer meetings on tighter budgets mean lowered hotel tax revenues for local municipalities, & fewer gigs for caterers, speakers & entertainers.

I wondered about that when I was at CES last month: it seemed to me that if you’re in the lower echelons of meeting support—brochure-stockers, directions-givers, registration-takers, busboys, booth-constructors, taxi drivers & so on, CES still had a place for you.

In September of 2007 I was at a huge users conference for a major software company in San Francisco. In addition to the above, there were quasi-name bands, buffet-builders, A-V managers & bartenders for the dozen bars that appeared on the trade show floor every evening by 1800.

I’m betting that there’s going to be fallout among the ranks of the folks that make these things run, who work hard for low pay & no benefits.

That’s a pity; & also laid at the door of those whose greed got us into this pickle.