Oh--and his soap ISN'T funny

It’s Friday, so time for a little something different. And, you know, our antipodean brothers and sisters just take a different approach to public service announcements. Even for subjects that everyone knows aren’t amusing.

You’ll recall the video from the Victoria police laying out in pretty much words of one syllable what’ll happen if you drive drunk. (“You’ll be stuffed!”) Well, the Aussies aren’t the only ones who know how to frame the problem for the target audience.

Here’s a video from New Zealand pointing out how stupid you are when you’re high, and therefore how stupid you’re going to be behind the wheel if you try driving while loaded.

Here’s what I want to know—what does a grown man want with 12 frosty pigs?

No, wait; never mind. I think that falls into the category of TMI.

Serving up spam

Lately I’ve been getting a lot of spam through one of my email accounts. It all goes into the spam folder, but sometimes the juxtapositions are, well, cherce.

Take this one:

I’ve been getting a lot from Christian Mingle for some reason; but I put them in the same category as the Russian hotties who want to talk with me.

What kind of tickled my fancy was the notion that the Victoria’s Secret reward might tie in to the Christian mingling thing. Like the Great Spam Server somewhere in the Ukraine has some algorithm that matches things up.

Well, probably not. But the idea kept me amused while I cleared the spam folder.

And furthermore...

As often happens on email discussions in the Pundit’s Apprentice circle, the exchange about saberage, which I reported on yesterday, branched out a bit. One of the fellows said he’d be sending the video to his sons “and possibly my ‘I can do it myself’ daughter.”

On account of, “It’s always important for young people to be sophisticated and know how to impressingly open champagne [or Piper Sonoma, or Asti Spumante, etc.), especially when you are out on a date—or you have an unexpected evening alone at home, and want to drown your sorrows.”

Well—did I not tell you that people in the Pundit’s Apprentice-Stretch set are extremely interesting? This guy has a weltanschauung that totally aligns with mine.

First off, I think it’s extremely important, when out on a date, to demonstrate that you possess weapons, and that you know how to use them. It sets realistic expectations straight off the bat.

Also, it lets your companion know how much you appreciate the choice of sparkling wine over something like Château Thames Embankment.

And, no doubt, it impresses the wait staff. You’ll get much better service after that.

But I also like his inclusion of doing up the night in properly—not just the “drowning your sorrows” part; anyone can do that, to the soundtrack of some Country & Western CD. No—by whacking the cork out of a bottle of bubbly with a saber.

That’s style to the core, baby.

He went on to add, “Actually, I know a number of single women who tell me that they daily make a full dinner for themselves, and polish off an entire bottle of wine with it, which I have never been tempted to do: either make a full dinner for myself and/or polish off a whole bottle of wine.”

Well, again—this person travels in first-rate circles. Women who don’t need no stinkin’ guests to prepare and eat a slap-up meal, and who aren’t afraid to drink a whole bottle of wine with it.

You go, girls!

Here’s the deal: for the longest time I used my dining table strictly as a place to dump papers. But about three months ago, I decided that I was an idiot. Since then I cleared off (at least half of) the table and had dinner there every night (except for three occasions, which were allowable exceptions). I set my place on the tablecloth, with linen napkins and a crystal wine glass.

(I long since threw away the notion that crystal is for guests only. And most of my stemware either came as a gift from someone or was purchased on one of my trips to Europe, so every piece has happiness associated with it. My good china may be packed away in a garage; but I damn well drink wine from crystal.)

Okay—I probably have the TV on, or am streaming video on the laptop. But I’m sat at the table, eating an actual whole meal, with veggies and everything, and I feel a lot more humanoid than if I were just, say, eating potato chips out of the bag and washing them down with caffeine-free Diet Coke while checking Facebook updates. (Which I don’t. Because you get the salt and oil all over your keyboard.)

So far I’ve refrained from drinking a whole bottle of wine at one sitting. Although there have been nights when I considered it. So it’s still an option.

En garde, bouteille!

I have a couple of friends in Virginia who feed my need for weirdness. I met (well, “email met”) Stretch through the Pundit’s Apprentice, who was one of the mainstays of the choir I used to sing in. PA continually challenges my mental acuity and gives me opportunities to Look Stuff Up, activities I adore. Both of them occasionally send me news of the bizarre, obituaries from the Telegraph and book or film recommendations.

Today’s vignette comes courtesy of Stretch. I knew Stretch was worth cultivating when I noticed his signature line: “Omnes moritatem. Deus suos cognoscet.” I’ve only read a little about the Albigensian Crusade, as I’m not much of a medievalist, but that’s an order you don’t soon forget. (And probably one uttered by commanders for millennia, because it’s often hard to tell who’s your friend and who’s your enemy when the field of battle slops over into civilian territory.) It was given by the papal legate when asked how the soldiers were supposed to know who was a heretic and who was of the true faith when they attacked the city of Beziers. “Kill them all,” he said. “God will know his own.” These days that sort of thing would cause a firestorm on Twitter, and CNN would go ballistic; but things were different in the 13^th Century.

Anyhow—what Stretch sent around to a select few was this video from Mental Floss on saberage: how to open a bottle of Champagne with a saber. Or a kitchen knife. Or a machete.

Well, he had me at “Champagne”, so I watched it all the way through. And had a few thoughts:

They’re using Piper Sonoma, which technically is not Champagne. But I do understand why they might not want to use the good stuff. In case of Unfortunate Incidents.

It just tears my heart in two to see sparkling wine go undrunk, for any reason; which is what happens when you rip a cork out the way it’s done here. Couldn’t they at least have put a bowl under it to catch the overflow?

If that gibbering Mental Floss twit can master the technique, I think it must be fairly straightforward, once you screw your courage to the sticking place, as it were. But if so, why would they slap that “Do not try this at home” warning all over it? I thought the whole purpose of this video was to give visual instructions and demonstrations of how to do it, no? WTH?

I like the whole Zen thing of the technique being all in the follow-through. Like smashing blocks of wood with the heel of your hand, it’s all in seeing just beyond the rim. You see the blade and the cork beyond the lip of the bottle; the rest is just detail.

It occurred to me that a bayonet might work—not one of those WWII jobbers, sharp on both sides; but maybe one from the 19^th Century. As might be used on a Martini-Henry rifle. So I asked the question. Naturally, Stretch has a few:

I knew he would. (Points to anyone who can identify the rifles associated with these bayonets.)

I’m thinking that the one in the center would be pretty good—looks like it has a blunt edge, and also has a good handle for gripping.

So I’m hoping someone on the email tries sabering a bottle, and that they record it. I’d try it myself, except that I’m not allowed sharp objects. (Or flammable substances.)

Um.

Gratitude Monday: I talk to the trees

Today I’m expressing my gratitude for crape myrtle. I love these things—both as shrubs and trees. They bring brilliant colors to summer, usually right around my birthday.

We had a pink tree in our front yard when I was growing up, but they come in white, fuschia, lavender and red.

In Virginia they bloom a little earlier—around July. But back in California, they’re out now and I love walking around neighborhoods where they’re part of the landscaping.

Yes—I’m grateful for trees. And the people who planted them. I’m easily amused.