Not actually Number 1

I rented a car last week to drive down to Palm Springs. My car runs fine, but on a 500-mile each-way trip down California’s Central Valley, I just feel better knowing that if something goes wrong, someone else is going to have to fix it.

Plus, there’s a Hertz store about a mile from me, which means I can walk there and back. And usually it’s a decent experience.

But this time—whoo.

I got a deal on an “intermediate” class car—although I have to say that I don’t know when Corollas became “intermediate”. As a Gold Club reservation, the damned thing should have been waiting for me, but the rep at the counter had to fish around for it—it was in the computer, but not in the slot.

Then he told me, “The tank ¾ full.” What? When did Hertz start handing out vehicles without a full tank? What a crock. But imagine my surprise when the instant I drove out onto El Camino the needle dropped to 5/8 of a tank.

This really irritates me—first of all, not giving you a full tank not only means you’re starting your journey not fully ready. But it’s also much more difficult to fill fuel to a particular line on the dial instead of full-up. The likelihood is that you’ll either over-fill, and they won’t credit you for excess; or you’ll under-fill, and they’ll charge you $9/gallon to hit the mark. (And of course you don’t know whether they hit that mark or just keep on filling it.)

It makes me think Hertz is trying to chisel its customers for a couple of gallons of petrol every time, and that they think we won’t notice. Which is kind of a crappy approach to customer experience.

Moreover, the Jetta I was given about gagged me with the perfumed car-freshener smell. And it has the least ergonomic steering wheel design I’ve ever seen. Try driving that for 500 miles and see how flexible you are when you get out.

But the worst thing was—the car had no cruise control, and I didn’t think to check until I started out at 0200 the next morning. Who the hell even makes cars without cruise control? (Well, Volkswagen, apparently, but WTF?)

Let me just say that the 300 miles down the central valley were a gigantic pain in the tusch, literally. And that, without CC, your tendency is to speed. Partly because you can’t keep your eye on the speedometer all the time, and partly because you subconsciously just want to get the bloody drive over.

Well, made it to PS, saw family and friends, and drove back up in record time. And I did manage to add just enough (I hope) fuel to reach the 5/8 mark (I’d called the store the evening I picked it up and had them change the contract) before I returned it to Hertz.

And I completely cracked up when the rep handed me the receipt with an invitation on the back to take an online survey. “If you rate us 9, you’ll get $25 off your next rental,” he advised. And he wrote it on the receipt so I’d not forget:

Nine is the highest rank you can give on that all-important Net Promoter Score (NPS—“How likely are you to recommend us to family or friends?”).

Seriously, Hertz? What kind of low-rent pathetic enterprise collects “voice of the customer” information that’s completely invalid because your employees tell them they have to give the top rating to get a $25 discount?

Guess what score I gave them?