Election 2008!

As follow-up to my post of 22 August I note that those wizards of wit, The Engineers, have come up with an alternative ticket to the two majors.I especially appreciate the fact that the vice-presidential candidate can see across the street (& pond).

I do hope this late entry to the race doesn’t dilute the Obama vote. But that’s what makes this country so great.

I’m also thinking of Ginger’s economic manifesto (“Scratch the economy’s butt”), in bulk, for Xmas prezzies…

Brilliant, just brilliant

Politics makes strange bedfellows, they say; and this Presidential election is certainly an example of that.

But corporations make for even stranger (or more strained) office-fellows;and my current situation is, alas, quite the exemplar.

Ordinarily every employee has his/her own office; but the division's been hiring at such a clip that they’re having to double up.

Three weeks ago a guy who was hired to be ad manager in my department came in and was assigned to share my office. He turned out to be the World’s Greatest Expert (all topics), which he lost no time in explaining to me. And everyone else within earshot.

I’m afraid I didn’t show proper awe—when he announced the last company he graced with his brilliance, I looked blank, as I’d never heard of it. Not surprisingly, he was supremely disinterested in my background (except as a possible backdrop for his brilliance).

Within a couple of days he was already horning in on my project—giving me the benefit of his brilliance—while coming up to speed on what was in front of him. You may imagine how that went down. I don’t take it personally—he spreads his brilliance like the flu virus around the organization. But it pisses me off nonetheless.

But also within a couple of days he’d started bringing in his desk décor… No, not pix of the wife and kid, or the cherry 67 Mustang lovingly restored. No, nothing so…pedestrian. One after another, he schlepped the beloved artifacts of his life: a cheap copper-painted porcelain bust of Pericles, a framed Net-download picture of Lycurgus, and another bust—I’m guessing Leonidas.

(I know the pix are lousy; but they're just here to show I'm not making this stuff up.)

Yes, WGE’s great love is ancient Sparta. (Well, leaving aside the anomaly of Pericles.) He fancies himself quite the authority, and can prove it by cutting and pasting passages from Herodotus into one of his blogs. (No formatting, no commentary or analysis; just one long run-on paragraph.)

One day as he was leaving (typically before 1600, since he has this 90-minute commute to Tacoma) he announced he’d continue bringing in the Greeks. I commented, “Well, I guess we’ll have a phalanx, then, won’t we?”

“Phalanx? You know what a PHALANX is?”

(Well, yeah—doesn’t everyone?)

That rather took some of the wind out of his trireme, but he decided he could recover from not being the only expert on ancient Greek warfare in the room by assuring me (in the manner of a dealer telling a junkie he’s got access to some REALLY good shit…) he’d bring in these fake ancient Spartan coins he minted!

Oh, be still my heart.

Damn me if the little pisher (yes, he’s no taller than I) didn’t haul his little plastic coins out of his overcompensatingly-large backpack a couple of mornings later with a flourish. He started ‘splaining to me in great detail what each element was, but when he got to the, “Here’s the epitaph…” And I cut in, “Go tell the Spartans that we lie here obeying their laws,”  his poor trireme stalled again.

In another attempt at recovering the sole-authority position, WGE smarmed, “You must have studied Greece, then?” Well, no, not studied (outside of my ancient Greece humanities class in college); but I have indeed read Herodotus, and dipped into some of the others.
“Oh, have you read [some name I’ve never heard of]?”

No; but rather a lot of Michael Grant.

“I don’t know Michael Grant.”

Really? I don’t know that much about ancient Greece, but even I know Grant’s one of the big guns on the topic. Out of Cambridge. Written trireme-loads worth of books. Evidently WGE’s breadth of expertise is…somewhat circumscribed.

But something that he’s not short of (besides self-regard) is scarfing up freebies. Turns out the WGE is also the WBF (World’s Biggest Freeloader). Within a couple of days in situ he’d already glommed onto a division jacket (which I think he wears 24x7), a pedometer (which he doesn’t use—it’s enough to HAVE it), & some other departmental goodies.

He also discovered the company store—bought some highly-discounted software, which I know about because he left it in the company bag on the floor of the office (along with other bags he’s strewn about the place). At the end of the day he took the software and left the bag. On the floor. It’s still there, days later.

“Free” is one of his favorite words. Within days of arriving he’d taken the light rail into Seattle from Tacoma, and then two company shuttles to get to work. The rides (all with wi-fi) took him 30 minutes longer than his 90-minute commute from Tacoma; “but it’s FREEEEEEE”. Clearly if he’d had to pay for any part of this, he’d stay in his car.

Today I overheard (hey—not like I was trying; he dials all calls on speakerand only picks up when the call connects) a call, presumably to his wife, announcing that next Friday he’ll bring in his four-year-old to partake of the company-sponsored Trick or Treat event. Because it’s FREEEEE. And “he can go around & collect snacks.”

I wonder if he’s thought about what it’ll cost him to drive Redmond-Tacoma-Redmond to give his kid this FREEEE jolly?

(And, no, he can’t take the “little guy” (I suppose “little” is relative) on the public transport/shuttle because he’d have to pay the kid’s fare on the former and only company employees are allowed on the shuttles.)

Aside from the Greek citadel and the rubbish heap surrounding it, he’s a lousy office mate because he views every conversation I have is an opportunity to join in and share his brilliance. This extends to conference calls. He turns around with this helpfully smarmy used-car-salesman look on his face and just jumps in.

When the admins were setting up WGE’s desk, they assured me that the arrangement would be temporary, although they couldn’t give me a definition of “temporary” in the circumstances. So I arranged for him to be swapped with another new hire, who seems to have somewhat better developed social skills.

This move takes place tomorrow, not a moment too soon for me. (Today I discovered he’d erased a diagram I had on the whiteboard, mapping out conditional logic on a survey I’ve designed. He replaced it with squares representing his project. (Originally code-named “Athens”, but rechristened “Rome” because apparently Athens was already working.) When I pointed out what he’d done I got a deeply insincere, “Sorry.”)

So he’ll be packing up the Greeks and the freebies and moving down the hall. I’m sure I’ll still be subjected to his brilliance, both directly and through intermediaries. But at least I won’t have to live with his compensation maneuvers in my personal space. Or his lunch leftovers.

And he might make it through the month without a brilliant, sharp, modern Swiss Army knife jammed between his third and fourth ribs.

Curiouser & curiouser

Well, it's been a while since my last post, and I'd intended to find something either profound or ludicrous to write about this weekend. (Like making a pilgrimage to the Nordstrom Mother Church in downtown Seattle.)

But that got buggered when at 1530 yesterday (that would be Friday) I got an email from my manager informing me that she has to run through a "draft" business plan (for a product I'm assigned to) review next Friday, two weeks before the "official" deadline I've been working towards. (This "review", BTW, is essentially a go/no-go decision for building the application. Something about commitments in December requiring an earlier decision than the end of the month.) That being the case, I was instructed to have a "preliminary" draft for her review Monday afternoon.

Since I'm in back-to-back meetings Monday (because I'm trying to work out how we're going to build an application without committing development resources to it), that means I'm pulling a biz plan out of the peanut butter today and tomorrow.

Now, I thought this particular project was passing strange because normally the product manager (that would be me) does some market research, determines the market need, projects what kind of revenue the product could draw, analyzes the competitive landscape, posits what features would meet that need, creates a business plan based on that research, gets the product approved by management based on that business analysis, builds a functional requirements plan and then works with dev to determine the feature set and timeframe for the initial product release...

Only in this case, it seems senior management brokered some deals months ago with data providers and instructed my unit to build an application that would use the data.

So I parachuted on to a train that had left the station without benefit of rails, and I was given the mission of steering it safely to some nebulous successful destination.

This sudden turnaround on the approval gateway timeline is another bad sign. I don't know exactly what it signifies, but it's not going to be anything good.

(Another thing that gives me pause is that evidently "business plans" in this organization are done in PowerPoint. I feel like I'm in Romper Room. What's next--sock puppets?)

So this is why my next real post is delayed. I'm pulling out my smoke and; mirrors and hoping that I find the right ones for the occasion.

Or is this one instance where one size really does fit all?

A small diversion

Two sites that may tickle your fancy in these tough times; both allow you to contribute, so you can feel you’re doing something about the situation.

Failblog is a collection of, well, things that fail the “huh?” test. If you’re stuck in a meeting you might just surf on over here to amuse yourself. Probably not a good idea to watch the videos at the meeting; but a lot of the pix are quite uplifting.

The one I really get a kick out of is graphjam. Finally—a legitimate use for Excel graphs. The one on who benefits most from the bailout is, alas, way more accurate than anything you’ll get out of the government.

But the graphs cover all manner of subjects. This one resonated with me immediately.

Look—we’re not talking high art, here. But see above about tough times. Take ‘em as you can.

'Tis the season...apparently

So, I was in my local Home Depot Saturday--that would be 27 September--when what to my wondering eyes should appear but...

Christmas decorations.

Yes, children, light strings, light ropes, light nets, light deer, light Christmas packages, lighted hot-air Santas--the whole megillah. Mostly exterior stuff, although there was some indoor decor. It was only about 300 square feet of display, but I'm sure that'll soon seek lebensraum & roll over the garden display like Panzers through Poland.

I'm not sure if this is the earliest I've ever seen holiday merchandise out, but it's creeping up there. Of course, it's not officially the season until you've seen your first Salad Shooter commercial...

Wine & politics

Just in time for the debate, which was a near-run thing anyhow, the wine columnists for the WSJ had a taste-off: the wines of Illinois facing off those of Arizona. I found it interesting—and probably more substantial than the actual debate will be. I have no idea where you can buy the subject matter, but I just put this stuff out here to brighten your life.

While we’re on the subject of current events, you may be at a loss as to how to express your reactions to the latest out of Wall Street-Washington to your representatives in the government that got us into this economic pickle. Where to find your Congressman; where to find your Senator.

But here’s a tool where you can compose your thoughts on whatever subject is eating your lunch & quickly & easily bung it over to anyone in the legislative or executive branches. They’re all there in this single place.

BTW, the tool’s on the Web site of the Association of University Centers on Disabilities, which you might also find of interest.

More power to the people

Posting Amazon’s elusive customer service number, it occurred to me that I know of another boon to the consuming public: there’s a website that aggregates the magic touches it takes to escape phone tree hell & speak to an actual humanoid when you call an organization.

I hope the Nobel Committee are aware of the guy who started this, because it’s so beyond a mitzvah. Really, it levels the playing field just a little.

Use it in the very best of health.

Amazon's Customer Service Number

I had occasion today to try to get Amazon to divert a book they’d erroneously sent to my old address. (I tried first with UPS, but naturally—as the mere recipient of the package—I could do nothing about fixing the misdirection.)

I’ve been waiting for this book since I placed the order in April, so as you might imagine I was somewhat torqued off that for some reason the change of address I input to my Amazon account apparently didn’t make it to back-orders.

Anyhow—since their website is specifically built to keep you from contacting actual, you know, humanoids, I Googled “Amazon customer service phone number”, & got it.

& I thought I’d share the love: if you ever want to get some customer service (albeit from India) from Amazon, call 1 800 201 7575.

You’ll thank me for it later.

Triumph of the trivial

Interesting political tidbit that rather defines the McCain campaign. There was to have been a lunch with Sarah Palin next week at a private home here in the Seattle area—a limited attendance chance to meet & listen to the diva of the downmarket. Minimum price of admission: $2500, so I hope the lunch is more than mac & cheese or mooseburgers. ($25K would buy you some photo ops & maybe even a chance to talk to her.)

I know this because my employer sent round a notice of the event—which absolutely freaked me out. I’m told they sent similar emails for events featuring Obama, but it still makes me really, really uncomfortable. My employer ought to keep its nose out of my personal political activities.

Well, anyhow—turns out that La Palin had a scheduling problem & can’t make the lunch. (Did the helicopter-based wolf-hunting season just open?)

So the GOP are making what must seem to them to be a logical swap: they’re sending in Cindy McCain to hold the glass of white wine & smile for pix.

Now, does anyone else see the anomaly in this? The idea that if the person whose views could shape our lives for the next four years—you know, the candidate—can’t make an event, swapping her out for her running-mate’s spouse is an equal exchange? What the hell—they’re both lookers, aren’t they? They both spend more time getting their hair done & shopping for shoes than formulating ideas. They both have the XX-chromosome configuration—one’s as good as the other, yes?

What they’re basically doing is acknowledging the utter triviality of Sarah Palin—that she’s so devoid of substance that you can replace her with another chick & no one will notice.

God help us all.

Wall Street Blues, Part II

Well, after the shattering of the protective shield around the masters of the universe this week, you knew it was coming: the backbone of the class that have benefited the most from the current administration are having to, gasp, economize.

Oh, the horror!

You have to wonder about people who’ll go on the record as saying they have to tell their youngest daughter that she won’t get the royal cosmetic surgery treatment her three older sisters did because times are hard. Or swapping out caviar & truffles for Waygu beef for a father’s party—not that they’re saving anything, but it looks less extravagant. Do they even listen to what they’re saying?

So I guess those who feed off the conspicuous consumption crowd are also going to be facing lean times. Except, apparently, the high-class equivalent of the pawn shop—those who buy & sell estate jewelry.

This just makes me want to vomit. That woman who was bitching about paying a nanny $1250 per week being too much & looking for a bargain basement substitute—no doubt with a masters in early childhood development? She’s not facing hard times—the woman who’s going to get paid $750 per week to look after her kids (plural), do light housework & be available all the hours God sends is facing hard times. Her choices aren’t whether to buy at Bergdorf’s or Barney’s; they’re whether she should buy food or pay the Con Ed bill.

I swear—we’ve all fallen down the rabbit hole.