Friday, July 19, 2013

Sunnyvale hops

Yes, it’s an acknowledged fact that I am a complete sucker for a flash mob. Being in one is high on my bucket list.

So for Funky Friday I give you a flash mob in my very own current city of residence:


I go to this Farmers’ Market often—as you can tell from the establishing shots, it has great summer produce, & I don’t know what I’d do without the Acme Bakery for bread.

What I also like about this particular mob is that a couple of months ago I was at a party in Mountain View where probably 80% of the guests were dancers. That is, they took ballroom dancing classes & they regularly dance up a storm at various venues around the Silicon Valley. All kinds of people, just like you’d find in Marilyn Hotchkiss’ Ballroom Dancing & Charm School. These people literally danc five to seven nights a week.

I bet some of them were in this mob.


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Conquering the masters with the most thugs

This is a great story from NPR’s Ofeibea Quist-Arcton in Harare: poets are rallying the people to vote in the national elections to be held next year.

Yes—you heard me correctly: poets.

You have to listen to the audio, because, for one thing, Robson Isaac Shoes Lambada’s “Politicians and Governancy” is very reminiscent of Gertrude Stein’s…well, anything of Stein’s, but certainly “If I Told Him: A Completed Portrait of Picasso”, which you absolutely have to listen to aloud to get.

There’s also a hip-hop feel to Lambada’s work, and it’s marvelous to listen to.

This is poetry in life—using language and rhythm to call the people to action.

And it beats the hell out of any political ad I’ve seen in the past 20 years.

Power to the poets, baby; power to the poets.



Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Watching brief

As you know, social media is just a weird, weird place. On the Twitter-dot-com you can follow pretty much anyone. Unless they’ve got a “private” account.

But that also means that anyone can follow you (unless you specifically block them; or you have a private account). & let me just say that there are some weird, weird people out there.

No more than in the real world, I’m guessing. It’s just that in the real world your access to them is limited by how many weird places you can get to in a 24-hour day. That limit doesn’t exist on the Internet.

Anyhow—there’s the usual complement of spam-bots, & people who’d follow a ham sandwich in hopes that it would follow them back. But if you don’t follow them back, they usually dump you like yesterday’s sushi, so that’s not really a problem.

However, some weeks ago, this chick showed up in my followers queue, in much the same way that the occasional chick named Svetlana or Tatiana appears in my email, assuring me that she’s only waiting for me to click on her link to make her eternally happy.


Somehow I’ve been disinclined to follow Anna. That XX in her Twitter handle makes me kinda nervous about what I might discover.

But what I find interesting is that, even though I’ve not followed her back, in the nearly two months since she followed me, she’s not bothered to unfollow.

Perhaps she’s too busy. Watching. & being watched.

Not going there.



Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Wherever you need to go...

My friend The Pundit’s Apprentice sent round an essay by Michael Gartner about his parents’ driving history. It’s a nice recollection and an easy read, so I recommend it.

Part of the essay includes Gartner’s father’s advice on how to live a long life: don’t make left turns. You can turn right three times and get where you would have gone had you tried turning left.

The Pundit’s Apprentice commented, “Three right turns to make a left is true of a lot of French secondary highways.”

And that got me recalling one of the things I love the most about driving in France: every town large enough to get lost in has “Toutes Directions” signs to help you get out of it and headed towards wherever it is you want to go.

This has to be one of the country’s greatest contributions to civilization; along with Montaigne, Daumier and Champagne.

Think about it—you’ve been driving about in some rabbit-warren of medieval streets that were claustrophobic 700 years ago, and you’re on your way to the next historic stop on your itinerary and worrying if signage is one of those secret weapons in Europe the way it is in Northern Virginiaand wondering if you’re ever going to manage to blow this croissant stand.

And then you see it—the “Toutes Directions” sign. And you know that—no matter how lost you’ve been or what boneheaded maneuvers you’ve made—you’re going to get to where you need to go. You can get there from here.



Because it’s telling you that all directions are possible. It’s like starting out on the Yellow Brick Road in Munchkinland. Wherever you need to be, you’re going to get there.

In practicality it means that there’s a ring road of some sort, and that once you’re on it you’ll find whichever road required to go to your destination. That removes all stress from driving, because—even if you miss the exit you need, just stay on the damned road. It’ll come around again, like “Alice’s Restaurant” does on the guitar.

I once drove a couple of times entirely around Caen; first because I went past the exit to Bayeux, and then because I, you know, could.

It was so liberating.

And it beats the hell out of three rights make a left. Although, of course, that works, too.



Monday, July 15, 2013

Gratitude Monday: Texas crazy

I know you aren’t supposed to express affirmations (of which gratitude is a form) in the negative, but in the light of the past couple of weeks, on this Gratitude Monday I am profoundly thankful that I do not live in Texas.

Because, as idiotic as most politicians are, the Texas Lege is sui generis in achieving the nadir of pig-ignorance combined with the kind of arrogance that only white male Republicans can master completely.

The latest example of this is the ban Friday on women bringing feminine hygiene products into the Senate gallery as the new anti-abortion bill was being debated. They didn’t want to risk being pelted with tampons—yes, that’s what they said; tampons could be used as weapons, so they were collected at the entrance.

Two interesting things about this that pretty much tell the whole tale:

Women’s bags were searched and tampons and maxi-pads were confiscated, but if you had a concealed weapon and a carry permit, you were waved through. ‘Cuz, it’s Texas, after all. A woman has no right to control her own body, but she does have a by-God entitlement to pack the most heat she can cram into that pretty little Gucci knock-off she’s toting.

Men were not searched. If they were packing Tampax, they made it through the gauntlet.

Apparently, if you have the XX chromosome configuration you’re considered more dangerous with a maxi-pad on your person than a Glock.

At least to the Lege.

I am down-on-my-knees grateful I do not live in that crack-brained state.



Friday, July 12, 2013

Spank you

This Funky Friday offering is for those who, like me, value the comma of direct address and other niceties of language that have disappeared from even Fortune 50 communications:

  
What’s so impressive to me is not just that Mali has captured scads of errors that are so common these days, and which the dreaded autocorrect promulgates; but that his delivery is so smooth.

Crank up the volume and enjoy.



Thursday, July 11, 2013

Pain management

‘Kay, here’s my question du jour:

Why the hell are Lidoderm patches only available by prescription? You should be able to pick them up at the supermarket checkout stand, next to Mounds bars & People magazines. Along with cortisone ampoules, too.

I mean—if you can toss some junk food for your body & your brain onto the conveyor belt, you ought to be able to add a little pain relief to the mix, too.

Especially if your back hurts as much as mine does & your pain management specialist has hared off to Hawaii like some irresponsible nitwit with his pregnant wife & you have to wait until next week to see him.

Okay—as you can tell, I’m a little edgy. Once I hit 8 on the pain scale of 1 to 10, 10 being “shoot me; now”, I get just a tad cranky. In the sense that Ivan IV Vasilyevich lost his temper occasionally & fussed at the courtiers.

So when I…acquired…a couple of these Lidocaine patches, at first I was not hopeful. After all, that OTC “pain cream” I got a while back doesn’t make a dent in the problem. But I somehow managed to slap one of them on one of the four main trigger points (naturally, they’re just at the very edge of your reach on your own back) the other night & was stunned.

I’d been at the whimpering point (okay, I was crying) because it hurt so much, & then when I realized that the pain had dissipated, I started crying again at the relief. I actually got to sleep that night without having to talk myself down from the ledge & into pretending that it’s only discomfort & therefore bearable.

That relief allowed my muscles to relax for a while, which in turn allowed me to do some of the exercises that are supposed to help mitigate the trigger points. I’m dreaming of Lidoderm patches the size of trade paperbacks, that I could spread from scapula to scapula & from about T4 up to the base of my skull. Then I could face the world with a smile.

But I’ve only got the one patch left, which brings me back to my question: why the hell can’t I get these OTC? It’s not like I’m going to start smoking them. &, really—it would be a boon to all humanity if I were out of pain.

Especially if you’re in the same time zone as I am.



Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Cold crime cases

I came across an interesting story in the New Orleans Times-Picayune about the correlation between ice cream sales and homicides.

Because it seems that whenever sales of ice cream increase, so does violent crime.

They cite some specifically frozen dairy-related crimes—although nothing that includes actual death. The one that intrigues me involves “looting ice cream in a flea market”, because I’m just, you know, trying to picture a smash-&-grab kind of thing with tubs of rocky road and blueberry swirl.

Of course, they do climb down from the headline by noting that—yes, ice cream sales increase when the temperature rises, at about the same rate that people pissing each other off increases, but while the two are correlated, there’s not a causal factor.

They wouldn’t say that, however, if they cut in line at the Baskin-Robbins store in front of a mother with three kids. Because there would be blood on the floor, but there wouldn’t be a jury in the world that would convict.




Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Brains in retrograde

‘Kay, let me just get this out in the open: I am such an idiot.

I spent yesterday morning at Swedish Auto Factory, getting yet another radio antenna mast installed on my car. It’s the sixth or seventh in less than two years.

That’s because there’s one of those overhead storage bins in my tiny garage into which I have to back the car. (It’s a challenge reversing into it; but it’s much worse backing out of it, because of the way the parking lot has been, uh, designed.) The very first time I tried it I just wasn’t thinking that the hatchback was going to go under the overhang—the hatchback with the antenna up because the radio was on.

So even before I moved in, I had to replace the mast.

I was fine for a while & then one day I wasn’t thinking (again—that seems to happen to me a lot), forgot to turn off the radio/lower the mast, & bam; another antenna.

& like that.

The last time (before this) was just a couple of weeks ago, because I had the music on really low volume & completely blanked out.

Well, I called SAF & got the owner. “Dan? It’s [Bas Bleu]. I need a new antenna. Um.”

Dan: “Again?”

I told him I was just going to put SAF on direct deposit & book a standing appointment.

This time it wasn’t entirely my fault. Well, okay, it was—I was driving. But I did turn off the radio; I did. Only I didn’t check whether the mast had actually gone down. (It’s getting a little finicky because the car’s going on for 12 years old.)

So yes, another one bit the dust. Crap.

Someone told me that this may be happening because Mercury is in Retrograde. I don’t know who this Mercury guy is, or where Retrograde can be found (somewhere in Serbia?), or how he’s making me lose the plot. But if I ever come across him, I’m going to give him such a pop that will knock him clear out of the Balkens & make him wish he’d stayed wherever he was supposed to be.

Then I’m going to run him over & ram an antenna up his lower gastrointestinal system so far that he’ll be getting reception from his larynx.

I finally tacked up a couple of reminders on the storage bin; hoping that I’ll actually notice them & think about what I’m doing:



Meanwhile, back at SAF, where I swear I’m now getting a substantial discount on both parts & labor because of the whole economies-of-scale thing, when I collected my key yesterday & promised yet again that I wasn’t going to do this anymore, Dan said, “I’ll pray for you.”

I suggested he direct any such prayers to Saint Jude.

Unless there’s a patron saint specifically for idiots.




Monday, July 8, 2013

Gratitude Monday: The enlightened Founding Fathers

Re-reading the Declaration of Independence last week got me thinking about the principles on which the Founding Fathers established this nation, and how they went about charting and navigating new political waters. Their courage, their reason, their farsightedness and their dedication to learning from the past to shape the future are (to my way of thinking) a considerable part of why we’ve survived with a consistent government for more than 200 years.

So this Gratitude Monday I say we give it up for the Founding Fathers. Damn, but these guys had style.

For one thing, we celebrate our independence on the anniversary of the signing (more or less; I’m not going to quibble about a day or two) of the Declaration of Independence. I’ve already written about what a stunningly beautiful document that is. But here’s the thing: we celebrate making the statement as our moment of independence and not, say, the surrender at Yorktown, when it could have been said that we actually won it.

The Enlightenment was all about the ideas, of course; but, still.

First of all—they weren’t perfect. No one’s saying they were. But, in very trying times they put their not inconsiderable minds to solving highly complex and high-risk issues that had serious consequences whichever way things fell out. When 56 representatives signed the Declaration of Independence, they absolutely knew they were pledging their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor to the cause of dissolving the ties with Mother England.

And they did have fortunes to lose—they were for the most part successful men with comfortable lives, which they put on the line by taking this radical step. Never before had ordinary men put their money where their mouths were in saying “all men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights” and “that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

(Yes, Jefferson borrowed that last list from John Locke; it was the Enlightenment, after all. But Locke had spoken of life, liberty and property; this whole “pursuit” and “happiness” idea? Radical, dude. Totally rad.)

And yes—by “all men” Jefferson actually meant only men, and really only white men; women and men of color weren’t considered part of that equation. But he did mean “all white men”, meaning “[white] men of all social and economic classes”, which was also rad. The last document spelling out the rights of the governed was Magna Carta, and the only people who counted in that one were barons and better in the social strata.

But I’m going to leave the Declaration aside and move on to another extraordinary document, the one that defines us literally and metaphorically as no other document does for any other people. Yes, my children, I’m talking the Constitution.

You may think I lead a sad life (okay, I do), but every once in a while I pull that sucker out and read it because it is just beautiful. A carefully-reasoned charter for how the FF thought a government should work. Compared with similar documents, it is amazingly short—just a few pages. (You drop the California state constitution on your foot, you’re going to need a cast.) And, considering that they had no precedent to guide them, they laid out a form of government that is as beautiful and reasonable and flexible and—yes—balanced as any ever devised by men.

I suppose it’s that Enlightenment thing, balance; but seriously—no one had ever thought, “Hey, this whole gov’mint thang might work pretty well if we divvy up the powers three ways. And—how ‘bout we make sure that no one of them ever gets top hand? Yeah, that could work, huh?”

Of course, they said it more elegantly than that. But in just seven articles they mapped out what powers went to which branch, how each would provide a check on the others and what redress We the People would have against them all.

Plus—they learned from the past. Imagine that.

Following the Treaty of Paris in 1783, the new United States weren’t really what you’d call united—they were sort of loosely confederated. Which worked about as well as a chocolate teapot. No one would play nice with anyone else and they were all pretty much in it for themselves. (Interesting to me that the FF figured out the flaws in this system, but the leaders of the 15, uh, Confederate states didn’t in 1861. Um.)

So they put their bewigged heads together and thought and thought, and agreed that everyone would have to give up some autonomy in exchange for economic and political stability. Or, as the preamble says, “ to establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence [sic], promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity”. That pretty well covers all the major food groups.

Yes—their plan was still for white males. Black men were counted as 3/5 of a person for purposes of electing Representatives (women and Indians weren’t counted at all), and of course no one except the white adult males had voting rights.

But here’s the deal—and another reason why we should give the FF their props: because there was concern that the Constitution wasn’t locked down enough for the states to ratify it (remember—even though the loosy-goosy management of the Articles of Confederation hadn’t been successful, people were still leery of a, you know, central government), Mr. Madison of Virginia got together with his posse and proposed ten amendments, which spelled out very clear limitations on what the government could and couldn’t do.

This Bill of Rights, as it came to be known, beautifully limits the reach of official Federal mitts. (A friend of mine believes the amendments should have stopped after five words: “Congress shall make no laws”, but I think he may be joking about that.) And many of those limits were in direct response to English abuses:

No established religion, also known as separation of church and state. That Church of England thing really ate people’s lunches.

Freedom of speech, of the press, of peaceful assembly, of right to petition. All of these had been curtailed by the English at one time or another.

Right to bear arms—because we didn’t believe in a standing army, we relied upon militia to come to our defense. Look it up—the amendment says, “A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep & bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” You never know when you're going to need to lurk behind hedges and shoot at English troops marching down the road.

No quartering of troops; no unreasonable search and seizure; due process of law, to include no double jeopardy and no self-incrimination; speedy trial by jury…and on and on, until you get to the tenth, which (and damn, these guys were good) limits the powers of the Federal government to those specifically stated in the Constitution. No slipping any surprises in, guys, ‘cause this is a written Constitution.

And the amendments constitute another beauty of FF capacity to plan ahead—they’ve allowed it to grow with the country and the times. So that counting the Bill of Rights, it’s been amended 27 times. The 13th abolished slavery; the 14th established the Equal Protection Clause; the 15th prohibited denial of suffrage based on race, color or previous condition of servitude; the 19th finally opened up the vote to women.

And yes--there have been crack-pot amendments: the 18th banned the production and sale of alcoholic beverages. And it had to be repealed by the 21st a few years later. We make mistakes and we recover from them. It's the recovery and learning that really matter.

I could show how the judicial-legislative balance has evolved by talking about how Plessy v. Ferguson (1896) established the "separate-but-equal" interpretation of the Equal Protection clause; and then Brown v. Board of Education scuppered that 58 years later by deciding that separate is inherently unequal, opening pretty much everything to, well, everyone. But we have a more recent example.


The DOMA ruling last month encapsulates two of the ways the FF really understood how this would work: it was the judiciary branch slapping down the legislative, based on the Equal Protection clause of the 14th Amendment. That old Constitution, she just keeps rolling along, despite the massive wrenching of the War Between the States, industrialization, entry into the world stage as a great power—all things that could have broken a system less carefully planned.

So—Founding Fathers, many thanks for a job well done. I’d buy you a drink if you were around today. And if you let me into the bar. With my lady-money.