Friday, January 15, 2010

Order in the court!

Well, welcome to 2010, the year of reason, intelligent systems & justice for all.

A grey-&-white tabby cat has been called to jury duty in Boston. I am not making this up.

Seems Sal Esposito’s humans included him on their last census form, in the pet category. The Suffolk Superior Court spied him & issued the summons.

Although Guy & Anna Esposito have tried to ’splain to officials that Sal’s a cat, & even requested disqualification by checking the “does not speak English well” box (evidently you have to check a box, no free-form excuses), the court is unimpressed, & Sal is to show up for service on 23 March.

I don’t know about the origin of the jury duty call—most places I live cull their rolls from voter records & the DMV, not the census, which takes place only once a decade. (In Virginia, when you get a driver’s license, you’re in the jury duty pool.)

Also—it’s been a while since I filled out a census form (I was out of the country in 2000), but aren’t ages associated with any names recorded? You’d think Sal would be disqualified as being too young if for nothing else.

But this being America, Sal may be forced to serve. I’m waiting to see what kind of human-feline language interpreter they bring in so Sal can follow the court proceedings. & if licking his butt in the jury box causes an uproar & calls for a mistrial by the defense.

I’m not worried about jury tampering—opposing counsel could bribe him with cans of tuna & catnip mice all day long. Any self-respecting cat would accept the tribute & do whatever he damn well pleased anyhow.

So maybe this is an improvement over biped juries?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Driven to distraction

We’re experiencing a long spell of wet weather; not much of a surprise. What is odd is the fact that Seattleites don’t seem to be able to drive in the rain.

I mean, they’re mean, selfish & idiotic drivers in fair weather; the worst I’ve run across in three continents & all the lower 48 states. Their specialty is waiting until the last possible minute to get into the exit/merge lane. (To the point that, on highways where traffic is moving at 50-60 mph, they come to a complete STOP while trying to squeeze into the 15 mph traffic exiting onto another highway. Even buses do this. In fact, I was run off the road once by a semi whose driver had waited until the last minute to get onto the exit ramp, where I happened to be, & he just pulled over with complete disregard for that whole physics law about two objects not being able to occupy the same space at the same time.)

They do the same thing conversely, too: when entering the highway they stay in the merge lane until they run out of room & then swoop into traffic. Because that way, of course, they can get two or three cars ahead of where they’d be if they drove reasonably.

In fact, sometimes they swerve into the merge lane from main traffic that’s obviously moving too slowly for them, speed a couple of car lengths ahead & then barge back in.

& don’t even get me started about driving & talking on mobile phones.

None of that changes when it’s pissing down rain—they’re still as irresponsible as ever. It’s as though they think they’re immortal.

What I’ve also noticed—and this boggles the mind—is that no one feels obliged to turn their headlights on in the rain, making their shenanigans all the more dangerous. Evidently it’s not an actual law in this benighted state—in Virginia, if your wipers are on your lights have to be, too. Because, you know, it’s harder to see things the rain.

I checked the Washington state driving laws. They suggest that you turn on your lights in the rain, but don’t require it. (They also suggest that you turn on your lights when it starts getting dark & keep them on until it’s turned light, even though the actual law is turn them on 30 minutes after sunset & off 30 minutes before sunrise.)

I’d like to know what accident statistics are in this hole; but I know that I drive in a constant stream of adrenaline trying to anticipate what boneheaded thing the morons around me are going to pull next. Fair weather or no, their driving’s foul.

2009 redux

I’m a bit behind times with this, but considering the way 2010 is starting out, it’s a good thing to look back at last year through Dave Barry’s microscope.

I’ve always admired Barry’s perspective & his writing. It just about broke my heart when he left his syndicated column to start writing children’s books. So any scraps of his zaniness is balm to the soul.