Seal Team

As you know, the 35-day partial shutdown of federal agencies has left a legacy of chaos, backlogs and in general the kind of miserable cleanup you find after a Category 4 hurricane. We’re going to be sorting the consequences for months—if we’re lucky.

Here’s an interesting case from the files of the Needless Pointless Waste of Billions Shutdown. In the absence of National Park Service staff, who were furloughed across the country, our national treasures suffered. A hiker died from a fall in Yosemite without rangers able to respond quickly. Vandals cut down trees and off-roaders drove throughout Joshua Tree National Park just for the hell of it; damage that will take centuries to mitigate. At parks around the country, trash and human waste piled up like the aftermath of a Grateful Dead concert.

And in Northern California, Drakes Beach has been taken over by an invasive species and authorities are basically retaining the barricades for would-be beachgoers until the invaders decide to leave of their own accord.

Because the invasion force is a colony of elephant seals, who have thoroughly settled in. They’ve calved, set up their chow lines, measuring for curtains and are daring mere humans to turf them out. When you weigh more than an Infiniti and have the temperament of a longhorn with an abscessed tooth, the humans reconsider their normal beach-clearing tactics (which apparently have involved flapping blue tarps).

I expect that once the pups are of an age to hit the road with the ‘rents, the NPS will start flapping tarps again and the bipeds will be allowed beach access again. I hope to God they don’t trash up the place.

Weather report

We in the vicinity of District They Call Columbia got snow on Tuesday. It wasn’t the Polar Vortex that’s blanketed the Midwest in sub-zero misery, but offices let out early because it was supposed to hit during the evening commute rush hour. Then the forecast was for o a whole lot of evening events were cancelled throughout the area.

On my Metro ride out to the People’s Republic, I noted lines of salting/plow trucks idling on the shoulders along I-66 and the Toll Road. That’s always a bad sign. There were huge, fat flakes of snow all afternoon and into the evening, and I was glad I didn’t have to go out once I got the car parked. All I had to do was drink tea and watch the birds at the feeders.

It was too dark to shoot photos, so you’ll have to take my word for it. In the end, it was only an inch or two, but it did freeze, and I was very glad to be snug and warm inside.

Yesterday I had to go whack one of the feeders that had frozen shut, to release the mechanism that allows lightweight birds access to the seed while foiling squirrels and bully birds. I feel an obligation to ensure that the avian diner is open during the daylight hours. Gotta keep the customers happy, regardless of the weather.

Tableauing the discussion

Last week I shared one of the LinkedIn-based solicitations I received at work last year. I mentioned that my company already uses his software, so I didn’t get why Adam w/Tableau was bothering with me.

And yet—here he is again:

I will never understand sales guys.

User research

Because I used to work for an enterprise feedback technology company, I’m always curious when a company puts out what it’s pleased to call a survey. When Facebook does it, well…

This popped up in my feed last week, so I followed it to see what exercise in pretend-voice-of-the-customer research they were on about.

And, sure enough—here’s how they started out:

I mean—seriously?

That’s the kind of self-congratulatory piffle you’d expect to come out of the current occupant of the White House.

They followed it up by asking for “my own words”, as though they give a toss.

And then prompted me with their own words.

Note that that’s a radio-button response. Meaning you can only choose one. Yes, they say “most important”, but how can you pick just one way Facebook sucks?

Then they spent a lot of their own words reminding me of why I should have said they're fine, upstanding citizens of the world.

And that’s all, folks.

So—as I expected—they didn’t really want to know what I (or any of their users) think of them or their platform; it’s just an exercise in faux concern.

Just exactly like their response to every revelation of their amoral douchebaggery over the years.

Gratitude Monday: Break in the storm

Today I’m glad that the Kleptocrat caved and that 800,000 federal workers and more than a million contractors are headed back to paid work. Here in the District They Call Columbia, that means that my Metro ride is going to be more crowded, but I’m glad to know that my fellow commuters will have money flowing back into their bank accounts, and they can begin to drive back some of the excruciating anxiety they’ve been experiencing since mid-December.

I’m also grateful that people like José Andres stepped up to the plate with meals, groceries and supplies for the millions (when you factor in whole families) who’ve been living in this Dalìesque nightmare of either banishment from the job or unpaid servitude—people who perform needed functions but were crumpled up and tossed away by 45, McConnell and their cronies. And that I was able to contribute to some of the organizations to help with the effort.

Further—God bless Robert Mueller and his investigators, for continuing to work throughout this shitshow. And special blessings upon the [unpaid, for the moment] FBI team who arrested Klepto-crony Roger Stone on Friday morning on seven felony counts tied to the 2016 election. And on CNN for doing its job and covering that raid. Must-see TV, that.

I’m well aware that we are by no means out of the woods. There’s increasingly hysterical willie-waving posturing emanating from the White House about still needing that useless wall, and threats of another shutdown if he doesn’t get funding for it. Moreover, even if we didn’t have that prospect hanging over us, returning to full government operations after the 35 days of shutdown will probably take months, if not years. Don’t count on receiving whatever tax refund you’re anticipating by return mail. I think about the research projects that have been ruined because scientists were forbidden to continue their work, and I weep.

But even so—huge thanks that Pelosi and her comrades stood firm against the R extortion demands, and that—as reported on SNL—"Our top story tonight: President Trump’s heroic end to the shutdown. It took him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall.”

Today I’m glad that the Kleptocrat caved and that 800,000 federal workers and more than a million contractors are headed back to paid work. Here in the District They Call Columbia, that means that my Metro ride is going to be more crowded, but I’m glad to know that my fellow commuters will have money flowing back into their bank accounts, and they can begin to drive back some of the excruciating anxiety they’ve been experiencing since mid-December.

I’m also grateful that people like José Andres stepped up to the plate with meals, groceries and supplies for the millions (when you factor in whole families) who’ve been living in this Dalìesque nightmare of either banishment from the job or unpaid servitude—people who perform needed functions but were crumpled up and tossed away by 45, McConnell and their cronies. And that I was able to contribute to some of the organizations to help with the effort.

Further—God bless Robert Mueller and his investigators, for continuing to work throughout this shitshow. And special blessings upon the [unpaid, for the moment] FBI team who arrested Klepto-crony Roger Stone on Friday morning on seven felony counts tied to the 2016 election. And on CNN for doing its job and covering that raid. Must-see TV, that.

I’m well aware that we are by no means out of the woods. There’s increasingly hysterical willie-waving posturing emanating from the White House about still needing that useless wall, and threats of another shutdown if he doesn’t get funding for it. Moreover, even if we didn’t have that prospect hanging over us, returning to full government operations after the 35 days of shutdown will probably take months, if not years. Don’t count on receiving whatever tax refund you’re anticipating by return mail. I think about the research projects that have been ruined because scientists were forbidden to continue their work, and I weep.

But even so—huge thanks that Pelosi and her comrades stood firm against the R extortion demands, and that—as reported on SNL—"Our top story tonight: President Trump’s heroic end to the shutdown. It took him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall.”

Let them eat cake

I purposely did not say yesterday that things couldn’t get any weirder, and I’m glad. Because a couple of twits from the inner circle of kleptocracy just raised the tone-deafness stakes.

First, Lara—wife of Qusay—had this message for the 800,000 federal workers being held for ransom by her increasingly unhinged father-in-law. “It’s not fair to you, and we all get that, but this is so much bigger than any one person. It is a little bit of pain, but it’s going to be for the future of our country, and their children and their grandchildren and generations after them will thank them for their sacrifice right now.”

The image of this gilt bimbo dismissing the very real hardship of everyone who’s gone without a paycheck since before Christmas as “a little bit of pain” is just beyond the beyond. But then Wilbur Ross, the grifting commerce secretary, stepped into the ring.

Like his master, Ross’ ego is tied up with being perceived as a billionaire but he’s been outed by Forbes as a mere millionaire. Also like the Kleptocrat, the equity manager was supposed to have divested himself of his financial interests, but so far nah. Also, he has remarkably robust connections with Russian oligarchs.

Also—like everyone in the Cabinet—despite his unquestionable wealth, he doesn’t seem to ever have enough. Forbes reported last August that while running his private equity fund, Ross consistently stole money from his client accounts, to the cumulative total of $120M. He settled lawsuits, and paid a multi-million dollar fine to the SEC in 2016. But here’s the absolute corker: his employees revealed that Ross used to take handfuls of Sweet’N Low packets from a nearby restaurant.

Thus the measure of the man.

So with that background, let’s cut to the tape.

Yes, the necrotic gargoyle is not only utterly without empathy for actual humans, but he’s completely clueless about how finances work; he likens borrowing against the expectation of getting paid at some point in the future to a “government-guaranteed loan”. He concedes that the workers will “have to pay a little bit of interest”, but he shrugs that off. Because of course he thinks the little people ought to float the government while he and his ilk continue their grifts.

But wait, there’s more. Because Ross went on to dismiss concerns about the hundreds of thousands of feds who are furloughed or being forced to work without pay. They’ll get paid eventually… But even if they never do, 800,000 people is “a third of a percent of our GDP, so it’s not like it’s a gigantic number overall.”

Here’s what Paul Krugman had to say about that:

Because of course it’s not just the actual government employees who are screwed, it’s all those contractors (and their employers), as well. And they won’t get back pay out of it. Plus, there’s the knock-on effect on all the companies—shops, restaurants, healthcare providers—whose business from the feds and contractors are drying up. And all the scientific research that’s been halted for lack of funds. We’re now being told that our much-vaunted miracle economy may wind up with zero growth this quarter.

(Then there's White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow referring to the people forced to come to work without getting paid as "volunteering". And White House economic adviser Kevin Hassett declaring that all 800,000 furloughed/"volunteering" workers are really getting a vacation.)

But Lara, Wilbur and their grotesque ilk will no doubt shrug that off. Extending their Ancien Régime mindset, it's après nous le déluge.

Oughta be a law...

As you are all too well aware, we are living in interes utterly bizarre times. I was alive in the 60s, and it still wasn’t as batshit crazy as what we’re seeing now.

For today’s example, I’m going to step away from the lunacy emanating directly from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and give you a bill proposed in the Arizona state legislature by a whackadoodle named Gail Griffin (RWNJ). Her House Bill 2444 w-wou (sorry, laughing too hard) would require (hahahaha)…

Well, first of all it’s the “Obscene and Criminal Blocking Software” law. And it requires all “product[s] that make content accessible on the Internet” bought in the great, regressive state of Arizona to block by default access to porn. (Think about that. By default.) And if you want to unblock your, er, device to view “obscene material”, you have to pay $20. To some state entity TBD.

And your $20 and all the $20 of your porn-fan brethren will go to fund the Kleptocrat’s wall along the southern border. Imagining the Tea Partiers who infest Arizona forking out any amount of money to unblock their “obscene material” is just hysterical.

No, I swear I am not making this up. You can read the whole farkochte thing here. Her definitions of “specified anatomical areas” alone are worth the wading through all the all-caps.

Griffin apparently isn’t the first legislator to display her complete and utter ignorance of how The Interwebz works; other porn-blocking nonsense has been attempted in Kentucky, Alabama, Utah, Rhode Island, South Carolina and Virginia—all proud bastions of ignorance. (Well, I don’t know what’s up with Rhode Island.) But she seems the first to tie porn to the wall. Publicly, at least.

Okay, but today’s post is not so much about Griffin’s idiocy as it is about Twitter’s response. Because this thread is smashing. I started taking screen caps to give you an idea:

But you should really just go here and start scrolling. Just don't be drinking anything while you do that.

Auto parts

Yesterday I was catching up with a colleague; the topic of auto repairs came up and I told him about my turbocrash. (I did get the car back late Monday, thanks be to God.) Turns out he had some woes of his own last week.

Thursday afternoon he was driving home when the check engine light started flashing and the motor ran really rough. He limped the two blocks home and did what pretty much anyone would do these days: he consulted Google to diagnose the problem. Evidently it was a bad lead from one of the spark plugs, which could be replaced fairly easily; just follow the YouTube video.

“The part only costs $50,” he said. “So I called around. No one had it in stock.”

I started laughing. “Well, sure. If they had it in stock, it would cost $300.”

He grimaced and went on with his narrative.

He called an Acura dealer, who said they had one, and he asked them to hold it; he’d stop by Saturday morning to pick it up. Fine; they could do that. Saturday morning he showed up for the whatever-the-part-was.

Turns out I was off by $70. The Acura dealer price was $230.

(He got it and installed it. And he ordered another one for extra, over the Internet. For $75.)

Visualizing...

Lest you think that only no-name amateur-hour numbskulls engage in cold-calling come-on spam (like the one I reported on last week), I assure you that actual employees of legitimate companies do it, too.

For example, here’s one I got from Tableau Software, clearly courtesy of LinkedIn:

Now, in fact, my company does deploy Tableau’s data visualization application, but I have no need for it. Moreover, I’m not in IT, nor does my LinkedIn profile in any way imply that I do. So for the life of me I cannot imagine what Adam w/Tableau thought his email would accomplish. From his LinkedIn profile (with a lot of sales jobs), it appears he sent this a month or two after he moved to Tableau. Maybe he sent the same, sadly incoherent email to lots of my colleagues in hopes of upping the number of user licenses.

I dunno, but this kind of thing is not a good look for a company that’s supposed to be a leader in business intelligence.

Gratitude Monday: #StandWithBennett

We live in strange times; indeed we do. And I confess that I’m struggling today to find anything in my life or the world in general to truly appreciate.

But it’s the day the United States has assigned to honor Martin Luther King, Jr., which reminds me of the mission of historically black colleges and universities (HBCU)—institutions that educated the sons and daughters (and their sons and daughters, down to this day) of men and women brought to this country as slaves. For generations, they’ve enriched our nation by providing that education that would otherwise have been denied citizens on account of the color of their skin.

A couple of weeks ago I learned that one of these schools—one of only two serving black women—is in danger of losing accreditation because of finances. Bennett College, a small liberal arts college in Greensboro, S.C., was founded in 1873, and became single-sex in 1926. Its students are known as Bennett Belles, and (from what I’ve read) display extraordinary sisterhood. They have until 1 February to raise $5M.

I heard the story on NPR, found the page on their website where you can donate and whipped out my AMEX numbers. I’m an alumna of another women’s college; I felt I owed it to them. My contribution is small, but I’m hoping that others have given as well, that they’ll reach their goal and that they’ll find a way to continue their mission into the next century.

So this is what I’m grateful for today—that I was able to play a small part in helping keep Bennett College going. If you’re able, I hope you’ll do the same.