A friend sent this to me. It’s certainly appropriate for the season’s message, & a nice change.
Crank up the volume & dance, children!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Surprising & amazing GM
Okay, you’ll recall an email GM sent to a colleague assuring him that GM’s not responsible for the mess they’re in and that they’re doing everything possible to undo the damage they didn’t do and if he (the colleague) didn’t contact his congressslime to have them bail out GM the world would end?
They’re at it again.
And you’ll be surprised and amazed to discover that they don’t mention having made any mistakes briefly admitted in the full-page ad they took out in the trades a week ago.
If you’re feeling like a giggle, read on. You just can’t make this stuff up.
----- Forwarded Message ----
Thank you for being a GM customer. There's been a lot of discussion about the auto industry over the past few weeks, and I want to make sure you know the facts about GM. This is important because with all the media coverage of late about our company and industry, it is evident that there is much misinformation and many very dated perceptions being communicated. The truth and the facts are always helpful. First, we're building our best cars and trucks ever, and we're committed to being the best car company on the planet.
[“Truth”? “Facts”? As if.]
Take a closer look at Chevrolet, Buick, Pontiac, GMC, Saturn, HUMMER, Saab and Cadillac. You'll be surprised.
Our vehicles are more fuel efficient.
19 of our 2009 models have an EPA estimated 30 MPG highway or better — more than Toyota, more than Honda
[Okay, I counted more than 90 models of their eight brands. So 19 may be a fact; but it’s not really truthful or useful information.]
For 2009, we offer more hybrid choices than any other manufacturer. We currently have six hybrids, by mid-2009 we will introduce three more, and by 2012 we will offer 15 hybrid models
11 of our last 13 new-product introductions have been fuel-efficient cars or crossovers. This trend will continue with 22 of our next 24 new-product introductions
Higher quality.
We back our quality with the Best Coverage in America:
A 100,000-Mile/5-Year Transferable Powertrain Limited Warranty.(1) Plus, Roadside Assistance(1) and Courtesy Transportation Programs.(1) This coverage is superior to Toyota, Honda, Nissan and Ford. We believe in our quality and reliability, and we back it up!
[Well, but people regularly put 200K miles on their Toyotas and Hondas, so the question arises: why does GM think they need 100K mile/5-year warranties?]
The 2008 Chevy Malibu and Chevy Silverado were the "Highest Ranked Midsize Car and Large Pickup in Initial Quality" according to J.D. Power and Associates(2)
Safe.
37 of our 2009 models have five-star frontal crash safety ratings(3)
['Kay, remember: more than 90 models. So apparently GM thinks having only 40% of their models five-star rated is noteworthy.]
We offer the safety and security of OnStar,(4) including Automatic Crash Response,(5) OnStar Vehicle Diagnostics(6) and Turn-by-Turn Navigation.(7) Not Honda. Not Toyota. Not Ford. Not Chrysler. Not Nissan. Not Dodge
[Of course, you PAY for this safety and security, an annual subscription. I hope they’ve improved since I tried it—a GPS device works much better than their humanoid location finding/routing service.]
The proof is on the road today.
All made by GM. Surprised?
Here's something else amazing: the Red Tag Sales Event,(25) which continues through January 5, 2009. The price on the tag is the price you pay. See some red, save some green.
It's a smart time to buy GM. Visit gm.com for more surprising reasons why.
Sincerely,
Mark LaNeve
This is an email advertisement. If you prefer not to receive any unsolicited marketing emails regarding GM vehicles, click here.
They’re at it again.
And you’ll be surprised and amazed to discover that they don’t mention having made any mistakes briefly admitted in the full-page ad they took out in the trades a week ago.
If you’re feeling like a giggle, read on. You just can’t make this stuff up.
----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Your GM Team Your_GM_Team@email.generalmotors.bfi0.co
To:
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2008 5:26:50 AM
Subject: Surprising today. Amazing tomorrow. It's GM
[I’m not making up that subject line; that came straight from GM.]
Dear [one-time GM Car Owner because we can’t be bothered to find out you’re no longer in the “family”],
Thank you for being a GM customer. There's been a lot of discussion about the auto industry over the past few weeks, and I want to make sure you know the facts about GM. This is important because with all the media coverage of late about our company and industry, it is evident that there is much misinformation and many very dated perceptions being communicated. The truth and the facts are always helpful. First, we're building our best cars and trucks ever, and we're committed to being the best car company on the planet.
[“Truth”? “Facts”? As if.]
Take a closer look at Chevrolet, Buick, Pontiac, GMC, Saturn, HUMMER, Saab and Cadillac. You'll be surprised.
Our vehicles are more fuel efficient.
19 of our 2009 models have an EPA estimated 30 MPG highway or better — more than Toyota, more than Honda
[Okay, I counted more than 90 models of their eight brands. So 19 may be a fact; but it’s not really truthful or useful information.]
For 2009, we offer more hybrid choices than any other manufacturer. We currently have six hybrids, by mid-2009 we will introduce three more, and by 2012 we will offer 15 hybrid models
11 of our last 13 new-product introductions have been fuel-efficient cars or crossovers. This trend will continue with 22 of our next 24 new-product introductions
Higher quality.
We back our quality with the Best Coverage in America:
A 100,000-Mile/5-Year Transferable Powertrain Limited Warranty.(1) Plus, Roadside Assistance(1) and Courtesy Transportation Programs.(1) This coverage is superior to Toyota, Honda, Nissan and Ford. We believe in our quality and reliability, and we back it up!
[Well, but people regularly put 200K miles on their Toyotas and Hondas, so the question arises: why does GM think they need 100K mile/5-year warranties?]
The 2008 Chevy Malibu and Chevy Silverado were the "Highest Ranked Midsize Car and Large Pickup in Initial Quality" according to J.D. Power and Associates(2)
Safe.
37 of our 2009 models have five-star frontal crash safety ratings(3)
['Kay, remember: more than 90 models. So apparently GM thinks having only 40% of their models five-star rated is noteworthy.]
We offer the safety and security of OnStar,(4) including Automatic Crash Response,(5) OnStar Vehicle Diagnostics(6) and Turn-by-Turn Navigation.(7) Not Honda. Not Toyota. Not Ford. Not Chrysler. Not Nissan. Not Dodge
[Of course, you PAY for this safety and security, an annual subscription. I hope they’ve improved since I tried it—a GPS device works much better than their humanoid location finding/routing service.]
The proof is on the road today.
Chevy
The Cobalt XFE offers an EPA estimated 37 MPG highway. More than Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic DX8
The Malibu offers an EPA estimated 33 MPG highway, which is better than Toyota Camry LE or Honda Accord(9)
The Traverse offers the best highway fuel economy of any eight-passenger crossover,10 an EPA estimated 24 MPG highway. It has more interior space than Honda Pilot or Toyota Highlander
The Silverado is Car and Driver's Best Pickup 2 years running.(11) The Silverado XFE offers an EPA estimated 21 MPG highway. No other large pickup beats it. Not Ford. Not Dodge. Nobody.(12)
[But, um, who exactly is buying large pickups?]
Buick • Pontiac • GMC
The eight-passenger Buick Enclave crossover is quieter than Lexus RX 350.(13) And with an EPA estimated 24 MPG highway, it gets better highway gas mileage than Lexus RX 350 and Acura MDX(14)
The Pontiac G5 XFE offers an EPA estimated 37 MPG highway. More than Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic DX(8)
[But they’re planning on tossing away most of Pontiac, so why are they pishing about it here?]
The GMC Sierra XFE offers an EPA estimated 21 MPG highway. No other large pickup offers better highway mileage. Not Toyota. Nobody.(15)
[Um, see above about nobody buying large pickups. Nobody.]
Saturn
The AURA midsize sedan offers best-in-class(16) highway fuel economy. Its EPA estimated 33 MPG highway beats Toyota Camry LE and Honda Accord17
The VUE Hybrid has the best highway fuel economy in its segment:(18) an EPA estimated 32 MPG
[Yeah—Saturn’s one of the brands they’re trying to dump altogether.]
Cadillac • Saab • HUMMER
The Cadillac CTS is a 2009 "Best Resale Value" Award winner from Kelley Blue Book's kbb.com.(19) It is one of Car and Driver's 2009 10Best. And it was also selected a top safety pick by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety(20)
The Cadillac Escalade Hybrid eight-passenger luxury SUV offers an EPA estimated 20 MPG city. Better than a 2008 MINI Cooper S Convertible with automatic transmission(21)
[How pathetic is comparing a Cadillac SUV with a Mini Cooper?]
The Saab 9-3 Sport Sedan, SportCombi and Convertible have earned the 2009 Insurance Institute for Highway Safety's "Top Safety Pick" award in the midsize category for the third straight year(22)
[Okay, they’ve been talking about selling off Saab for at least six years.]
The HUMMER H3 has a lower annual fuel cost than Nissan Pathfinder(23)
[If you leave it in the garage.]
And our future looks even brighter.
The upcoming Chevy Volt (expected launch date late 2010) represents a fundamental reinvention of the American automobile industry. The Volt will deliver up to 40 miles(24) on a single electrical charge, well within the daily commute of nearly 80% of Americans. It represents a giant step toward energy independence
[And how many decades did GM fight the idea of building any car that didn't suck up fossil fuel like frat boys at a kegger?]
GM will also continue to invest in hydrogen fuel cell technology, which is capable of reducing automobile tailpipe emissions to non-polluting water vapor. Already, GM has deployed 90 Chevy Equinox compact SUVs to people in what constitutes the world's largest market test fleet of hydrogen fuel cell vehicles
The Cobalt XFE offers an EPA estimated 37 MPG highway. More than Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic DX8
The Malibu offers an EPA estimated 33 MPG highway, which is better than Toyota Camry LE or Honda Accord(9)
The Traverse offers the best highway fuel economy of any eight-passenger crossover,10 an EPA estimated 24 MPG highway. It has more interior space than Honda Pilot or Toyota Highlander
The Silverado is Car and Driver's Best Pickup 2 years running.(11) The Silverado XFE offers an EPA estimated 21 MPG highway. No other large pickup beats it. Not Ford. Not Dodge. Nobody.(12)
[But, um, who exactly is buying large pickups?]
Buick • Pontiac • GMC
The eight-passenger Buick Enclave crossover is quieter than Lexus RX 350.(13) And with an EPA estimated 24 MPG highway, it gets better highway gas mileage than Lexus RX 350 and Acura MDX(14)
The Pontiac G5 XFE offers an EPA estimated 37 MPG highway. More than Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic DX(8)
[But they’re planning on tossing away most of Pontiac, so why are they pishing about it here?]
The GMC Sierra XFE offers an EPA estimated 21 MPG highway. No other large pickup offers better highway mileage. Not Toyota. Nobody.(15)
[Um, see above about nobody buying large pickups. Nobody.]
Saturn
The AURA midsize sedan offers best-in-class(16) highway fuel economy. Its EPA estimated 33 MPG highway beats Toyota Camry LE and Honda Accord17
The VUE Hybrid has the best highway fuel economy in its segment:(18) an EPA estimated 32 MPG
[Yeah—Saturn’s one of the brands they’re trying to dump altogether.]
Cadillac • Saab • HUMMER
The Cadillac CTS is a 2009 "Best Resale Value" Award winner from Kelley Blue Book's kbb.com.(19) It is one of Car and Driver's 2009 10Best. And it was also selected a top safety pick by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety(20)
The Cadillac Escalade Hybrid eight-passenger luxury SUV offers an EPA estimated 20 MPG city. Better than a 2008 MINI Cooper S Convertible with automatic transmission(21)
[How pathetic is comparing a Cadillac SUV with a Mini Cooper?]
The Saab 9-3 Sport Sedan, SportCombi and Convertible have earned the 2009 Insurance Institute for Highway Safety's "Top Safety Pick" award in the midsize category for the third straight year(22)
[Okay, they’ve been talking about selling off Saab for at least six years.]
The HUMMER H3 has a lower annual fuel cost than Nissan Pathfinder(23)
[If you leave it in the garage.]
And our future looks even brighter.
The upcoming Chevy Volt (expected launch date late 2010) represents a fundamental reinvention of the American automobile industry. The Volt will deliver up to 40 miles(24) on a single electrical charge, well within the daily commute of nearly 80% of Americans. It represents a giant step toward energy independence
[And how many decades did GM fight the idea of building any car that didn't suck up fossil fuel like frat boys at a kegger?]
GM will also continue to invest in hydrogen fuel cell technology, which is capable of reducing automobile tailpipe emissions to non-polluting water vapor. Already, GM has deployed 90 Chevy Equinox compact SUVs to people in what constitutes the world's largest market test fleet of hydrogen fuel cell vehicles
All made by GM. Surprised?
Here's something else amazing: the Red Tag Sales Event,(25) which continues through January 5, 2009. The price on the tag is the price you pay. See some red, save some green.
[Ah, right--the commercial. You knew this was coming, didn't you?]
It's a smart time to buy GM. Visit gm.com for more surprising reasons why.
Sincerely,
Mark LaNeve
This is an email advertisement. If you prefer not to receive any unsolicited marketing emails regarding GM vehicles, click here.
1) Whichever comes first. Excludes 2009 Saab vehicles. See dealer for limited warranty details.
2) Chevrolet Malibu and Chevrolet Silverado LD received the lowest number of problems per 100 vehicles among midsize cars and large pickups, respectively, in the proprietary J.D. Power and Associates 2008 Initial Quality StudySM. Study based on responses from 81,530 new-vehicle owners, measuring 344 models and measures opinions after 90 days of ownership. Proprietary study results are based on experiences and perceptions of owners surveyed in February–April 2008. Your experiences may vary. Visit jdpower.com.
3) Government star ratings are part of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration's (NHTSA's) New Car Assessment Program (www.safercar.gov).
4) Call 1-888-4-ONSTAR (466-7827) or visit onstar.com for details and system limitations.
5) Available on select 2007 and newer GM models.
6) Capabilities vary by model. Visit onstar.com for details and system limitations.
7) Requires ABS and Directions & Connections Plan. Not available in certain areas. Visit onstar.com for coverage map. Not available on Pontiac Vibe and Saab 9-3 and 9-5.
8) Comparable Toyota Corolla with an EPA estimated MPG 35 highway and Honda Civic DX with an EPA estimated MPG 34 highway.
9) Malibu with available 4-cylinder engine and 6-speed automatic transmission. Comparable Honda Accord and Toyota Camry LE, both with an EPA estimated 31 MPG highway.
10) Based on GM Mid-Utility Crossover segment. Excludes other GM vehicles.
11) Car and Driver 2008.
12) Based on GM Large Pickup segment and Silverado XFE with 5.3L V8 engine and an EPA estimated MPG 15 city, 21 highway. Ford F-150 SFE with 4.6L V8 engine and an EPA estimated MPG 15 city, 21 highway. Dodge RAM 2WD with 5.7L V8 engine and an EPA estimated MPG 14 city, 20 highway. Excludes other GM vehicles.
13) Based on independent testing.
14) Buick Enclave FWD, Lexus RX 350 FWD and an EPA estimated 23 MPG highway, Acura MDX and an EPA estimated 20 MPG highway. 15) Based on GM Large Pickup segment. Toyota Tundra 2WD with 5.7L V8 engine and an EPA estimated MPG 14 city, 18 highway. Excludes other GM vehicles.
16) Based on GM Mid-Car Sedan segment and an EPA estimated MPG 33 highway (gas), MPG 34 highway (hybrid). Excludes other GM vehicles.
17) Saturn AURA with available 4-cylinder engine and 6-speed automatic transmission. Comparable Honda Accord and Toyota Camry LE, both with an EPA estimated MPG 31 highway.
18) Based on GM Compact SUV-Crossover segment and EPA estimated MPG 32 highway.
19) Vehicle's projected resale value is specific to the 2009 model year. For more information, visit Kelley Blue Book's kbb.com. Kelley Blue Book is a registered trademark of Kelley Blue Book Co., Inc.
20) Based on IIHS segmentation and testing results. IIHS results based on front-, side- and rear-impact tests and the availability of Electronic Stability Control.
21) 2008 MINI Cooper S Convertible with automatic transmission and an EPA estimated 19 MPG city. 22) Saab 9-3: Based on IIHS segmentation and testing results. IIHS results based on front-, side- and rear-impact tests and the availability of Electronic Stability Control.
23) Based on EPA Annual Fuel Costs and EPA estimated MPG. H3 EPA estimated MPG 14 city, 18 highway. Pathfinder EPA estimated MPG 14 city, 20 highway (premium fuel recommended).
24) Assumes fully charged battery. Actual range may vary depending on driving habits and conditions. Vehicle features and performance capabilities subject to change without notice.
25) Tax, title, license, dealer fees and optional equipment extra. Not available with some other offers. At participating dealers only. Take delivery by 1/5/09. See dealer for details.
The marks of General Motors, its divisions, slogans, emblems, vehicle model names, vehicle body designs and other marks appearing in this email are the trademarks and/or service marks of General Motors Corporation, its subsidiaries, affiliates or licensors. ©2008 GM Corp.
Buckle up, America!
General Motors Corporation
100 Renaissance Center 482-A00-MAR
Detroit, MI 48265
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
High finance & misdemeanors
Interesting follow-on to the breaking story on Bernie Madoff, the hedge fund exec who’s lost around $50B (known so far in the US) in what he’s confessed to be an elaborate Ponzi scheme.
The BBC reports that British banks are now whining that their falling for the Madoff come-on to the tune of a couple of billion dollars more of their clients’ money is all down to US failure to regulate hedge funds.
Let me get this straight: you toss your clients’ dough hand over fist into “investments” precisely because they’re high risk/high yield & because you AND your clients are greedy bastards…& it’s somehow the fault of US regulators that it’s all gone pear-shaped?
Evidently the term “due diligence” has no meaning in the world of hedge funds.
I’m not saying the regulators weren’t asleep at the wheel—or at least acting in accordance with current administration policies to turn the high-stakes investment business into the wild west. But this trans-Atlantic finger pointing & pouting is just symptomatic of the problems with the whole corporate world.
Nothing’s wrong; & if there is, I didn’t do it.
The BBC reports that British banks are now whining that their falling for the Madoff come-on to the tune of a couple of billion dollars more of their clients’ money is all down to US failure to regulate hedge funds.
Let me get this straight: you toss your clients’ dough hand over fist into “investments” precisely because they’re high risk/high yield & because you AND your clients are greedy bastards…& it’s somehow the fault of US regulators that it’s all gone pear-shaped?
Evidently the term “due diligence” has no meaning in the world of hedge funds.
I’m not saying the regulators weren’t asleep at the wheel—or at least acting in accordance with current administration policies to turn the high-stakes investment business into the wild west. But this trans-Atlantic finger pointing & pouting is just symptomatic of the problems with the whole corporate world.
Nothing’s wrong; & if there is, I didn’t do it.
Monday, December 15, 2008
A modest proposal
You’ve no doubt heard of the latest financial debacle by now, Bernard Madoff, whose sons & business partners ratted him out to the feds, ran what he himself called a gigantic, high-stakes Ponzi scheme. Here’s the wheeze: he targeted “sophisticated investors”.
The WSJ analyzes this psychology that any half-way successful con man would recognize: assure the marks that this is an exclusive offer, available to only a lucky few, & you’ll have people elbowing each other out of the way to throw handfuls of money at you.
You know, I wouldn’t give a toss about trust-fund babies being kneecapped by their own greed. Except I just opened the quarterly statement for one of my IRA accounts, & it’s dropped almost by half in the last three months.
Remember that movie Escape from New York? Where all the worst criminals are locked up in maximum-security Manhattan? They should do that with all these CEOs, hedge fund managers & all the greedy bastards who fed their cons. Just their money, their risk, nothing crosses over any of the water surrounding the place.
The world would be infinitely better off.
The WSJ analyzes this psychology that any half-way successful con man would recognize: assure the marks that this is an exclusive offer, available to only a lucky few, & you’ll have people elbowing each other out of the way to throw handfuls of money at you.
You know, I wouldn’t give a toss about trust-fund babies being kneecapped by their own greed. Except I just opened the quarterly statement for one of my IRA accounts, & it’s dropped almost by half in the last three months.
Remember that movie Escape from New York? Where all the worst criminals are locked up in maximum-security Manhattan? They should do that with all these CEOs, hedge fund managers & all the greedy bastards who fed their cons. Just their money, their risk, nothing crosses over any of the water surrounding the place.
The world would be infinitely better off.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
The TV version
Something occurs to me in thinking about Christmas movies, and in particular the flock of soppy happy-clappy wisps that are churned out every year for Lifetime, Hallmark, and the like. I’ve watched way more than my share of them in recent years—there’s a horrid fascination with them, like I can’t believe that this one is going to be even worse than the one I saw last week.
But it always is.
And here’s what I’ve gleaned from these mass-market two-hour contemporary holiday cards.
Apparently the True Meaning of Christmas is that if you’re no older than 32 and drop-dead gorgeous (preferably blonde), you’ll find your genuine (and usually very wealthy) love at the holidays.
I guess the rest of us can just mainline Dalmane throughout December.
But it always is.
And here’s what I’ve gleaned from these mass-market two-hour contemporary holiday cards.
Apparently the True Meaning of Christmas is that if you’re no older than 32 and drop-dead gorgeous (preferably blonde), you’ll find your genuine (and usually very wealthy) love at the holidays.
I guess the rest of us can just mainline Dalmane throughout December.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Tis the film season
Despite what some may think, I actually do like Christmas. I love Christmas music (by which I mostly mean Praetorius, Handel, Bach and Corelli), and I’m pretty much a sucker for Christmas movies.
This being the month when they all start oozing out of the airwaves, I thought I’d list some of my favorites.
Naturally, it can’t be Christmas without Dickens. There are a squillion iterations of A Christmas Carol. Purists always cite the 1951 Alastair Sim version (titled Scrooge), but I favor the 1999 TV production with Patrick Stewart as Scrooge. I think I like it because of the Cratchits. Richard E. Grant makes a super Bob, and Saskia Reeves has not been bettered as Mrs. Cratchit. Moreover, Trevor Peacock, Liz Smith (both recognizable to fans of The Vicar of Dibley) and Elizabeth Sprigs practically steal the show as the future ghouls disposing of Scrooge’s meager possessions.
Carol is the fallback position for every producer who wants a quick and dirty tear-jerker for the season. They hire some hack to put a “fresh” or “contemporary” spin on the tale. They’re stunningly ghastly. There’s one with Tori Spelling in the Scrooge role, Gary Coleman as the Ghost of Christmas Past and William Shatner as Christmas Present. ’Nuff said.
There’s also A Diva’s Christmas Carol, with Vanessa Williams as Ebony Scrooge (I’m not making this up); and Ebbie, with Susan Lucci as a department store owner who gets to change her clothes a whole lot; and Karroll’s Christmas; and—well, I’m making myself sick here.
The one exception to this rule of awfulness is Scrooged. I wasn’t a fan of Bill Murray until I saw this film, but he’s perfect. Plus, the dialogue is terrific. There’s one line that has imprinted on me: “The Jews taught me a word—it’s a great word: schmuck. I…was a schmuck…” Add in Carol Kane as the whacked-out Ghost of Christmas Present and you really have a classic. I can watch Scrooged again and again.
Actually, it’s interesting that most of the knock-offs are comedies. I suppose it’s partly because some of the actors (see Tori Spelling, above) are too lightweight to handle drama and the true darkness that pervades Dickens’ tale, the real bleakness of Scrooge’s life.
Also, most are for basic cable, and of course we don’t want near-tragedy when you’re trying to hawk SaladShooters and those hooks you can stick on your mantel.
Leaving Dickens, I’m probably the only person in America who isn’t a fan of It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s okay, but the one that I love is Miracle on 34th Street. The original, not the remake. It’s saved from complete treacly-ness by the fact that the acquittal of Kris Kringle can be explained by a confluence of totally cynical events (the judge needs to be re-elected; the postal workers want to offload all the letters to Santa on that guy in the news, etc.). Plus, there is no Kris Kringle but Edmund Gwenn.
And while I despise the recent remake of 34th Street, I find Dear God charming, and can watch it any time. Partly it’s Greg Kinnear and the collection of outcasts he works with at the Post Office (what’s not to love about Tim Conway as a letter carrier demoted for biting a dog?). But again, it’s that convergence of venal intentions that morph into doing-good that really makes it shine.
Meet Me in Saint Louis isn’t strictly a Christmas film, but it has one of the best songs ever: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”. Also Margaret O’Brien. It was released in January 1945, when the country had been battered by the knowledge that the war hadn’t ended by Christmas, and in fact that Hitler’s Ardennes offensive (the Battle of the Bulge) had briefly looked like it would drive the Allies back to the sea. The wistful “From now on our troubles will be out of sight” must have captured what thousands of American families were hoping during that time.
The Bells of St. Mary's was also made during WWII (released January 1945). I prefer it to Going My Way—probably because of the presence of Ingrid Bergman. Also, there's never been a Christmas Pageant like the one at St. Mary's, ever. But there should be.
Desk Set, Trading Places and The Shop Around the Corner are also not strictly Christmas movies; it’s the setting for the plots. Desk Set’s classic scene is Katharine Hepburn getting spiffed at the office Christmas party and spewing back a cognitive test Spencer Tracy had given her earlier. It’s Tracy-Hepburn at their best. Plus, Joan Blondell rocks.
Shop was “remade” in 1949, as In the Good Old Summertime (frankly forgettable unless you’re a Judy Garland fan) and in 1998, as You’ve Got Mail; but neither touches the class of the original. Tom Hanks may be the latter-day Jimmy Stewart, but there’s nowhere near the charm quotient of Shop in that movie. (Plus, Shop is about poor people in love despite themselves; Mail is definitely about people so rich they really could buy love.) I’m frankly not that big a fan of Margaret Sullavan, or her character in the film, but the overall interaction is remarkably heart-warming. I especially love the scene where Mr. Matuschek goes off with the new delivery boy—two lonely men from opposite ends of the spectrum—for a scrumptious Christmas Eve dinner.
I have a special place in my heart for Trading Places—I worked on it during my stint in Hollywood. I never did understand the schtick on the commodities floor, but I believe Eddie Murphy nailed the whole brokerage gig when he told the Duke brothers that they were bookies.
The 1955 We’re No Angels gives us Humphrey Bogart, Aldo Ray and Peter Ustinov as three escapees from Devil’s Island who bring Christmas cheer to a kind family they plan to rob. A viper also plays a major role.
You can’t go wrong with a Bill Forsyth film, and Comfort and Joy doesn’t disappoint. It starts with radio presenter Alan Bird being blindsided by his klepto girlfriend moving out of his flat, and moves on to him solving an ice cream war of rival Italian families in Glasgow. A recipe for banana fritters figures heavily in the dénouement. The final scene with him sipping whiskey during his program on Christmas day is just as convivial as it gets.
Of course, it just wouldn’t be Christmas without the official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle. A Christmas Story is a classic in every sense of the word. Jean Shepherd’s narration sets the tone of that time when the media influences on children were limited to radio, magazines and the Saturday matinée. Young Ralphie struggles to make the world conform to his daydreams—and does a fairly good job of it most of the time.
There are many wonderful scenes in the film—the arrival of The Old Man’s Italian/fra-gee-lay Major Award, the raid by the Bumpuses’ dogs, Ralphie freezing when he finally makes it to Santa's lap in the department store—but I think the one I love the most is Christmas dinner in the Chinese restaurant. If that doesn’t embody the True Meaning of Christmas, then I don’t know what does.
If you get a chance to see any of these this season, see if you agree with me.
This being the month when they all start oozing out of the airwaves, I thought I’d list some of my favorites.
Naturally, it can’t be Christmas without Dickens. There are a squillion iterations of A Christmas Carol. Purists always cite the 1951 Alastair Sim version (titled Scrooge), but I favor the 1999 TV production with Patrick Stewart as Scrooge. I think I like it because of the Cratchits. Richard E. Grant makes a super Bob, and Saskia Reeves has not been bettered as Mrs. Cratchit. Moreover, Trevor Peacock, Liz Smith (both recognizable to fans of The Vicar of Dibley) and Elizabeth Sprigs practically steal the show as the future ghouls disposing of Scrooge’s meager possessions.
Carol is the fallback position for every producer who wants a quick and dirty tear-jerker for the season. They hire some hack to put a “fresh” or “contemporary” spin on the tale. They’re stunningly ghastly. There’s one with Tori Spelling in the Scrooge role, Gary Coleman as the Ghost of Christmas Past and William Shatner as Christmas Present. ’Nuff said.
There’s also A Diva’s Christmas Carol, with Vanessa Williams as Ebony Scrooge (I’m not making this up); and Ebbie, with Susan Lucci as a department store owner who gets to change her clothes a whole lot; and Karroll’s Christmas; and—well, I’m making myself sick here.
The one exception to this rule of awfulness is Scrooged. I wasn’t a fan of Bill Murray until I saw this film, but he’s perfect. Plus, the dialogue is terrific. There’s one line that has imprinted on me: “The Jews taught me a word—it’s a great word: schmuck. I…was a schmuck…” Add in Carol Kane as the whacked-out Ghost of Christmas Present and you really have a classic. I can watch Scrooged again and again.
Actually, it’s interesting that most of the knock-offs are comedies. I suppose it’s partly because some of the actors (see Tori Spelling, above) are too lightweight to handle drama and the true darkness that pervades Dickens’ tale, the real bleakness of Scrooge’s life.
Also, most are for basic cable, and of course we don’t want near-tragedy when you’re trying to hawk SaladShooters and those hooks you can stick on your mantel.
Leaving Dickens, I’m probably the only person in America who isn’t a fan of It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s okay, but the one that I love is Miracle on 34th Street. The original, not the remake. It’s saved from complete treacly-ness by the fact that the acquittal of Kris Kringle can be explained by a confluence of totally cynical events (the judge needs to be re-elected; the postal workers want to offload all the letters to Santa on that guy in the news, etc.). Plus, there is no Kris Kringle but Edmund Gwenn.
And while I despise the recent remake of 34th Street, I find Dear God charming, and can watch it any time. Partly it’s Greg Kinnear and the collection of outcasts he works with at the Post Office (what’s not to love about Tim Conway as a letter carrier demoted for biting a dog?). But again, it’s that convergence of venal intentions that morph into doing-good that really makes it shine.
Meet Me in Saint Louis isn’t strictly a Christmas film, but it has one of the best songs ever: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”. Also Margaret O’Brien. It was released in January 1945, when the country had been battered by the knowledge that the war hadn’t ended by Christmas, and in fact that Hitler’s Ardennes offensive (the Battle of the Bulge) had briefly looked like it would drive the Allies back to the sea. The wistful “From now on our troubles will be out of sight” must have captured what thousands of American families were hoping during that time.
The Bells of St. Mary's was also made during WWII (released January 1945). I prefer it to Going My Way—probably because of the presence of Ingrid Bergman. Also, there's never been a Christmas Pageant like the one at St. Mary's, ever. But there should be.
Desk Set, Trading Places and The Shop Around the Corner are also not strictly Christmas movies; it’s the setting for the plots. Desk Set’s classic scene is Katharine Hepburn getting spiffed at the office Christmas party and spewing back a cognitive test Spencer Tracy had given her earlier. It’s Tracy-Hepburn at their best. Plus, Joan Blondell rocks.
Shop was “remade” in 1949, as In the Good Old Summertime (frankly forgettable unless you’re a Judy Garland fan) and in 1998, as You’ve Got Mail; but neither touches the class of the original. Tom Hanks may be the latter-day Jimmy Stewart, but there’s nowhere near the charm quotient of Shop in that movie. (Plus, Shop is about poor people in love despite themselves; Mail is definitely about people so rich they really could buy love.) I’m frankly not that big a fan of Margaret Sullavan, or her character in the film, but the overall interaction is remarkably heart-warming. I especially love the scene where Mr. Matuschek goes off with the new delivery boy—two lonely men from opposite ends of the spectrum—for a scrumptious Christmas Eve dinner.
I have a special place in my heart for Trading Places—I worked on it during my stint in Hollywood. I never did understand the schtick on the commodities floor, but I believe Eddie Murphy nailed the whole brokerage gig when he told the Duke brothers that they were bookies.
The 1955 We’re No Angels gives us Humphrey Bogart, Aldo Ray and Peter Ustinov as three escapees from Devil’s Island who bring Christmas cheer to a kind family they plan to rob. A viper also plays a major role.
You can’t go wrong with a Bill Forsyth film, and Comfort and Joy doesn’t disappoint. It starts with radio presenter Alan Bird being blindsided by his klepto girlfriend moving out of his flat, and moves on to him solving an ice cream war of rival Italian families in Glasgow. A recipe for banana fritters figures heavily in the dénouement. The final scene with him sipping whiskey during his program on Christmas day is just as convivial as it gets.
Of course, it just wouldn’t be Christmas without the official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle. A Christmas Story is a classic in every sense of the word. Jean Shepherd’s narration sets the tone of that time when the media influences on children were limited to radio, magazines and the Saturday matinée. Young Ralphie struggles to make the world conform to his daydreams—and does a fairly good job of it most of the time.
There are many wonderful scenes in the film—the arrival of The Old Man’s Italian/fra-gee-lay Major Award, the raid by the Bumpuses’ dogs, Ralphie freezing when he finally makes it to Santa's lap in the department store—but I think the one I love the most is Christmas dinner in the Chinese restaurant. If that doesn’t embody the True Meaning of Christmas, then I don’t know what does.
If you get a chance to see any of these this season, see if you agree with me.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Cruising to Valkyrie
I told myself when I first discovered Tom Cruise was starring in the upcoming film about the 1944 plot to kill Adolf Hitler that I wasn’t going to go off the deep end. After all, Cruise might be able to capture the complex character of Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg; even if he is a foot too short…
But from what I’ve seen of the trailers for Valkyrie, with Cruise shouting & scowling—basically hamming it up, because you couldn’t possibly have an anti-Nazi hero without histrionics—I can’t decide whether to cringe or pound something.
I’m not all that fussed about him being a Scientologist; he’s an actor, after all, & one presumes an actor can manage a Roman Catholic.
It’s the parading about, being the freaking hero that’s such an abomination. Stauffenberg’s road to 20 July was long & difficult. For a deeply religious Catholic, a German officer imbued in the idea that duty means obedience to laws & leaders—concluding that the only action that would save Germany was a coup to assassinate Hitler (& Goering & Himmler, which was the plan) & replace them with a new government was wrenching.
It wasn't just an assassination; it was a coup. Assassination would have accomplished nothing but chaos; they wanted a constructive outcome that would save Germany from the destruction it was clearly headed for.
(& it's notable that it was the military, the group most closely bound by oath & sense of duty, to Hitler that made multiple attempts to remove him from power. Not civilians, not businessmen, not clergy; the military.)
Piecing together like-minded officers was a painstaking process & fraught with peril. Keeping a conspiracy secret in a police state is not easy, & the plotters needed enough high-powered leaders to form a post-Nazi government, as well as a plan for that government’s policies. One had to carefully sound out colleagues, because an officer's duty is to the state, & it would be the responsibility of any not a supporter to rat out the rest of them. (In the event, there were those who declined to participate; but they kept the secret.)
It wasn’t action-heroics, it was excruciatingly slow & intense.
The events of 20 July & its aftermath were tragic. Stauffenberg had time only to arm one of the two bombs in his briefcase. After he left the map room at Rastenberg, someone moved the briefcase behind a thick table leg, so that when the bomb went off, Hitler suffered only minor injuries. There was confusion in Berlin over how to carry out the coup, & in the end it was crushed before it really started.
Stauffenberg was shot late that night, his last words “Long live Germany!” He was lucky in his form of execution; hundreds were given show trials & hanged by piano wire from meat hooks. Others were thrown into prison, many executed just before Germany’s surrender in 1945. (Field Marshal Erwin Rommel, not at the heart, but implicated in the plot, was forced to commit suicide to spare his family being imprisoned.)
I suppose it’s the “Long live Germany!” that got Cruise. How could he resist such an exit line?
He’s told reporters that he was “amazed” to discover it was a true story. That just makes my teeth hurt.
Well, what’s done is done. They’re releasing the film on Christmas Day, & the studio hopes Cruise will be a big box office draw.
It’s just a pity that millions of people will learn about Stauffenberg & his comrades through this film, & that they’ll think Cruise is an accurate representation.
If they even care.
But from what I’ve seen of the trailers for Valkyrie, with Cruise shouting & scowling—basically hamming it up, because you couldn’t possibly have an anti-Nazi hero without histrionics—I can’t decide whether to cringe or pound something.
I’m not all that fussed about him being a Scientologist; he’s an actor, after all, & one presumes an actor can manage a Roman Catholic.
It’s the parading about, being the freaking hero that’s such an abomination. Stauffenberg’s road to 20 July was long & difficult. For a deeply religious Catholic, a German officer imbued in the idea that duty means obedience to laws & leaders—concluding that the only action that would save Germany was a coup to assassinate Hitler (& Goering & Himmler, which was the plan) & replace them with a new government was wrenching.
It wasn't just an assassination; it was a coup. Assassination would have accomplished nothing but chaos; they wanted a constructive outcome that would save Germany from the destruction it was clearly headed for.
(& it's notable that it was the military, the group most closely bound by oath & sense of duty, to Hitler that made multiple attempts to remove him from power. Not civilians, not businessmen, not clergy; the military.)
Piecing together like-minded officers was a painstaking process & fraught with peril. Keeping a conspiracy secret in a police state is not easy, & the plotters needed enough high-powered leaders to form a post-Nazi government, as well as a plan for that government’s policies. One had to carefully sound out colleagues, because an officer's duty is to the state, & it would be the responsibility of any not a supporter to rat out the rest of them. (In the event, there were those who declined to participate; but they kept the secret.)
It wasn’t action-heroics, it was excruciatingly slow & intense.
The events of 20 July & its aftermath were tragic. Stauffenberg had time only to arm one of the two bombs in his briefcase. After he left the map room at Rastenberg, someone moved the briefcase behind a thick table leg, so that when the bomb went off, Hitler suffered only minor injuries. There was confusion in Berlin over how to carry out the coup, & in the end it was crushed before it really started.
Stauffenberg was shot late that night, his last words “Long live Germany!” He was lucky in his form of execution; hundreds were given show trials & hanged by piano wire from meat hooks. Others were thrown into prison, many executed just before Germany’s surrender in 1945. (Field Marshal Erwin Rommel, not at the heart, but implicated in the plot, was forced to commit suicide to spare his family being imprisoned.)
I suppose it’s the “Long live Germany!” that got Cruise. How could he resist such an exit line?
He’s told reporters that he was “amazed” to discover it was a true story. That just makes my teeth hurt.
Well, what’s done is done. They’re releasing the film on Christmas Day, & the studio hopes Cruise will be a big box office draw.
It’s just a pity that millions of people will learn about Stauffenberg & his comrades through this film, & that they’ll think Cruise is an accurate representation.
If they even care.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
To hell in a lager bottle
So, as long as I’ve got a theme going here, the WSJ has a harrowing, statistics-studded report on the drinking habits of Europeans. Apparently the Journal is so fascinated by the subject they commissioned a market research company to survey citizens of 13 EU countries, plus Russia, Turkey, Switzerland & the US.
Dunno what the driving force behind the paper’s interest is, but they conclude that the Euros are headed for a culture of binge drinking.
Seems that the population across Europe leans towards either abstinence or overindulgence.
“’It's hard for me to accept that there are this many teetotalers in Europe,’ said Mark Hofmans, a managing director in GfK's Brussels office who analyzed the survey results. ‘But we are seeing a trend where there are some people who never drink and some people that when they drink, they drink a lot.’”
Well, I certainly can vouch for the binge drinking in Britain, but it appears that Italy & Spain are leading the way to switching from wine to beer.
& it’s astonishing how many respondents judge that they aren’t impaired until they’ve consumed five or more drinks. I’d really hate to be at the bars where those folks are sucking them down.
However, if they’re focusing on beer, then perhaps that means the price of wine will go down & I can get a bottle of Cordon Rouge for less than $30.
So, not a total loss, then.
Dunno what the driving force behind the paper’s interest is, but they conclude that the Euros are headed for a culture of binge drinking.
Seems that the population across Europe leans towards either abstinence or overindulgence.
“’It's hard for me to accept that there are this many teetotalers in Europe,’ said Mark Hofmans, a managing director in GfK's Brussels office who analyzed the survey results. ‘But we are seeing a trend where there are some people who never drink and some people that when they drink, they drink a lot.’”
Well, I certainly can vouch for the binge drinking in Britain, but it appears that Italy & Spain are leading the way to switching from wine to beer.
& it’s astonishing how many respondents judge that they aren’t impaired until they’ve consumed five or more drinks. I’d really hate to be at the bars where those folks are sucking them down.
However, if they’re focusing on beer, then perhaps that means the price of wine will go down & I can get a bottle of Cordon Rouge for less than $30.
So, not a total loss, then.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
To hell in a Sidecar
Well, as if that whole penis restaurant thing wasn’t enough, Eric Felten reports that the state of drinks in hotel bars is, well, on the whole dire.
I’ve never had a Sidecar; my only association with it is that it was Auntie Mame’s eye-opener after a night of boozing with the literati of Prohibition-era New York. It was when her nephew Patrick displayed to his trustee his bartending abilities learned while making Sidecars for Auntie Mame and her actress friend Vera that he got shipped off to boarding school. Of the Americano I have no knowledge whatsoever. I do like Campari and various things, but I’ve never had the mixture he talks about.
(Actually, I’m not sure I’ve ever even had sweet vermouth.)
Felten tested grand old and high-end hotels in New York, DC, Palm Beach, Dallas, Chicago, LA and San Francisco. (All on the Journal’s nickel. Damn, I want this man’s job.) New York scored the highest, & the rest basically pretty much tanked.
He only mentions the Mayflower in DC. I wonder if he went to the Willard, which has a rich history in both politics and booze—symbiotic pursuits if any ever existed. (I used to join a group of regulars on Christmas afternoon at the Round Robin bar; they were a quite diverse collection of characters and the bartender took pix each year and distributed them to us the next. She always swore she’d not be around by the next Christmas, but she was.) It’s a classy joint, with classy drinks to match, although of course I was drinking champagne.
In general Felten found the hotels' ambiance better than the bartending capacities. He doesn’t mention age as a factor, but from his descriptions most of the staff he encountered would appear to be under 35, and utterly disinterested in the craft of mixing drinks. Showmanship?—yes. Snagging big tips?—absolutely. Making classic cocktails?—not so much.
One excuse he got for no Americano (at the Top of the Mark, if you please) was that the recipe wasn’t in their computer.
That pretty much sums it up.
This is really quite sad, considering that you pay a premium of at least 100% for any food or drink item when you buy it in a hotel instead of the open economy. Not all of that overage should be for the atmosphere; you should be able to get a drink as tony as the environment.
I myself have salted away enough to have a drink in the bar of the Hotel del Coronado. And, one summer while waiting tables at the O club at Norfolk Naval Station, I literally saved up my coins (I could not believe what cheap bastards naval officers are) to treat a friend to a liqueur at the Williamsburg Inn after a performance of Much Ado about Nothing at the Virginia Shakespeare Festival at William & Mary. You’re paying for the whole package—atmosphere, service and good drinks; and you should get them, whether it’s chump change for you or a week’s tips.
Well—here’s what you can do: test all the hotel bars in your area. See what you find. & then let us know. You’ll be doing the country a big favor.
I’ve never had a Sidecar; my only association with it is that it was Auntie Mame’s eye-opener after a night of boozing with the literati of Prohibition-era New York. It was when her nephew Patrick displayed to his trustee his bartending abilities learned while making Sidecars for Auntie Mame and her actress friend Vera that he got shipped off to boarding school. Of the Americano I have no knowledge whatsoever. I do like Campari and various things, but I’ve never had the mixture he talks about.
(Actually, I’m not sure I’ve ever even had sweet vermouth.)
Felten tested grand old and high-end hotels in New York, DC, Palm Beach, Dallas, Chicago, LA and San Francisco. (All on the Journal’s nickel. Damn, I want this man’s job.) New York scored the highest, & the rest basically pretty much tanked.
He only mentions the Mayflower in DC. I wonder if he went to the Willard, which has a rich history in both politics and booze—symbiotic pursuits if any ever existed. (I used to join a group of regulars on Christmas afternoon at the Round Robin bar; they were a quite diverse collection of characters and the bartender took pix each year and distributed them to us the next. She always swore she’d not be around by the next Christmas, but she was.) It’s a classy joint, with classy drinks to match, although of course I was drinking champagne.
In general Felten found the hotels' ambiance better than the bartending capacities. He doesn’t mention age as a factor, but from his descriptions most of the staff he encountered would appear to be under 35, and utterly disinterested in the craft of mixing drinks. Showmanship?—yes. Snagging big tips?—absolutely. Making classic cocktails?—not so much.
One excuse he got for no Americano (at the Top of the Mark, if you please) was that the recipe wasn’t in their computer.
That pretty much sums it up.
This is really quite sad, considering that you pay a premium of at least 100% for any food or drink item when you buy it in a hotel instead of the open economy. Not all of that overage should be for the atmosphere; you should be able to get a drink as tony as the environment.
I myself have salted away enough to have a drink in the bar of the Hotel del Coronado. And, one summer while waiting tables at the O club at Norfolk Naval Station, I literally saved up my coins (I could not believe what cheap bastards naval officers are) to treat a friend to a liqueur at the Williamsburg Inn after a performance of Much Ado about Nothing at the Virginia Shakespeare Festival at William & Mary. You’re paying for the whole package—atmosphere, service and good drinks; and you should get them, whether it’s chump change for you or a week’s tips.
Well—here’s what you can do: test all the hotel bars in your area. See what you find. & then let us know. You’ll be doing the country a big favor.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
GM Redux
Well, GM has truly turned on the groveling. Now that they claim they need $4B just to get to 31 December (& another $4 to make it through another month), they’ve suddenly discovered that mistakes indeed were made.
Emphasis on the past tense.
As reported by Reuters & other media, they took out a full-page ad in trade rag Automotive News. They took out a print ad, probably hoping that would limit the distribution of their mea culpa.
As in so many things, they were wrong.
In the ad they confess to having “disappointed” & even “betrayed” customers by turning out gas-guzzling behemoths & other pieces of junk over the past 30 years.
“At times we violated your trust by letting our quality fall below industry standards and our designs became lackluster,” the ad says.
Again—emphasis on the past.
It moves quickly on to whine, “Despite moving quickly to reduce our planned spending by over $20 billion, GM finds itself precariously and frighteningly close to running out of cash.”
& so we should let bygones be water under the bridge, & so on, & fork over our money to keep them operating.
It doesn’t seem to actually say why we should do that, although it does remind us that “millions of jobs” are at risk—their fall-back extortion threat.
It’s amazing what the fear of losing his corporate suite can do to propel a CEO to pretend to level with his customers, past & prospective. Our Congressweasels have pretty much decided to bag the idea that the auto industry focus on energy-efficient vehicles & are about to hand over $15B out of the $25B they set aside for retooling to GM & Chrysler to help get them through the night.
(They’re calling the money “loans”; but who among us believes we’ll ever see it again?)
But apparently they’re seriously considering tying that largesse to giving the sack to Rick Wagoner.
They should stipulate that he & his executive team should spend time in prison, making lots of new potential car-buying friends, until their companies have repaid these “loans”.
Emphasis on the past tense.
As reported by Reuters & other media, they took out a full-page ad in trade rag Automotive News. They took out a print ad, probably hoping that would limit the distribution of their mea culpa.
As in so many things, they were wrong.
In the ad they confess to having “disappointed” & even “betrayed” customers by turning out gas-guzzling behemoths & other pieces of junk over the past 30 years.
“At times we violated your trust by letting our quality fall below industry standards and our designs became lackluster,” the ad says.
Again—emphasis on the past.
It moves quickly on to whine, “Despite moving quickly to reduce our planned spending by over $20 billion, GM finds itself precariously and frighteningly close to running out of cash.”
& so we should let bygones be water under the bridge, & so on, & fork over our money to keep them operating.
It doesn’t seem to actually say why we should do that, although it does remind us that “millions of jobs” are at risk—their fall-back extortion threat.
It’s amazing what the fear of losing his corporate suite can do to propel a CEO to pretend to level with his customers, past & prospective. Our Congressweasels have pretty much decided to bag the idea that the auto industry focus on energy-efficient vehicles & are about to hand over $15B out of the $25B they set aside for retooling to GM & Chrysler to help get them through the night.
(They’re calling the money “loans”; but who among us believes we’ll ever see it again?)
But apparently they’re seriously considering tying that largesse to giving the sack to Rick Wagoner.
They should stipulate that he & his executive team should spend time in prison, making lots of new potential car-buying friends, until their companies have repaid these “loans”.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)