The week in weird

We are surrounded by news of the weird, and I’m not exactly sure from which direction the weird winds blow wildest.

First off, on Wednesday, the day the UK’s defence [sic] secretary harrumphed that the Baltic nations should be on the lookout for Russian incursions, given the undeclared war going on in Ukraine, the RAF scrambled Typhoon fighters to warn off two Russian Bear bombers that were skirting the coast of Cornwall.

Cornwall is in the south of England; it’s the little part that juts out to the left on this map:

And you’ll notice that it is a goodly distance from any territory that belongs to Russia. So it’s not like those two Bears took a wrong turn on their way from Smolensk to Nizhny Novgorod and the next thing they know they were skimming past Newquay trying to find the best place for winkles and chips.

There have been other incidents, both in the air and undersea, where Russian units have pushed the envelope in various parts of Western Europe. Testing the boundaries, as it were, kind of like teenagers trying to get their curfew extended. Only with Putin, it’s more like recovering either the old Soviet Union or possibly the pre-1917 Russian Empire. Hard to know with that guy.

But, as Sancho Panza used to say, whether the rock hits the pitcher or the pitcher hits the rock, it’s going to be bad for the pitcher.

However, there’s good weird to balance the bad.

Well, I suppose the modifier “good” all depends on whether you’re one of the protagonists involved in these two stories.

First, from Orlando, a woman believed to be under the influence of some “heavy unknown substance” was arrested last Sunday after peeling off her clothes, walking naked into traffic, grabbing herself in a place where Minnie Mouse doesn’t even have a place and then climbing onto a car and stomping on it.

The report I read makes a point of identifying the car in question as a Lexus, as though that’s somehow more of an affront than a Chevy or a Volvo. And one of the passengers in said Lexus reported that the miscreant (one Amie Carter, 31, if you care) also threw a mobile phone at the car behind the one she was mounting. (Well, that’s the verb the news story uses.)

Sadly (and I do find this difficult to believe) there appears to be no video footage of this incident. Go figure.

Well, naturally I thought this all very interesting, but my big question is this: where did Carter get the mobile phone to throw if she was naked? And my answer to myself is: no place I want to know about.

But from sunny Florida, let’s move up to Michigan where last month Christina Bond fatally shot herself through the eye while adjusting the handgun she was carrying in her bra holster. Bond, an evangelical Christian, biker and Republican, was 55. She was also obviously a gun nut.

Now, as with the case of Carter (and, what the hell, Putin, too), my mind just started filling with pictures. Like—did the folks at the Road to Life church edge away from her when she was taken by the spirit and began speaking in tongues and clutching her chest? What about the Friday night fish fry fundraiser for the Republicans—did they try to keep her away from the deep-fry baskets? Did anyone ask her to dance?

Apparently this bra holster is a whole thing, which I did not know about. I wonder if you have to get a conceal-carry permit for these things, or is the gun not really concealed?

I’m also betting it’s a lot harder to get a guy to look at your face when you’re wearing one of those things. Kind of a double attraction for him. Triple, maybe.

Well, I also wonder what happens when you’re out at the tavern, and you’re three or eight Black Jacks into the evening, and you get a little confused about which cup has your cash and which your carry? Makes me also wonder why we haven't heard of more incidents along these lines. But perhaps we will.

But that’s all the weird I can handle for now. What would be really weird would be if Putin started packing a piece in a bra and then… Oh, never mind.