The cruelest month: The awfullest way you ever saw

I don’t know whether you have to be an American Lit major, or from the South, to recognize today’s National Poetry Month poem. And I can’t recall now which of my grandmothers was the one to recite it to me—the one from San Francisco or the one from Georgia. But Eugene Field’s “The Duel” has been part of my life for a long time.

The only adult I’ve met who not only recognized it, but could (and did) quote from it was a colleague of mine at the data networking company. She came from South Carolina, and had degrees in English from the USC that isn’t the one in LA. (Bruins rule, Trojans drool. Just sayin’…)

I’ve never been able to hear the words “gingham” or “calico” without picturing coming into the room and finding a blizzard of shreds and scraps. Gotta love pomes, folks.

The Duel

The gingham dog and the calico cat

Side by side on the table sat;

'T was half-past twelve, and (what do you think!)

Nor one nor t' other had slept a wink!

      The old Dutch clock and the Chinese plate

      Appeared to know as sure as fate

There was going to be a terrible spat.

            (I wasn't there; I simply state

            What was told to me by the Chinese plate!)

The gingham dog went "Bow-wow-wow!"

And the calico cat replied "Mee-ow!"

The air was littered, an hour or so,

With bits of gingham and calico,

      While the old Dutch clock in the chimney-place

      Up with its hands before its face,

For it always dreaded a family row!

            (Now mind: I 'm only telling you

            What the old Dutch clock declares is true!)

The Chinese plate looked very blue,

And wailed, "Oh, dear! what shall we do!"

But the gingham dog and the calico cat

Wallowed this way and tumbled that,

      Employing every tooth and claw

      In the awfullest way you ever saw---

And, oh! how the gingham and calico flew!

            (Don't fancy I exaggerate---

            I got my news from the Chinese plate!)

Next morning, where the two had sat

They found no trace of dog or cat;

And some folks think unto this day

That burglars stole that pair away!

      But the truth about the cat and pup

      Is this: they ate each other up!

Now what do you really think of that!

            (The old Dutch clock it told me so,

            And that is how I came to know.)