Special delivery

Huh. Things are looking up in the environs of the District They Call Columbia.

I confess that I only occasionally look at the ads on Metro cars. I’m either nose down in my mobile, or I’m gazing emptily into the space beyond the window.

But the other morning I glanced up at the big stretch of blue next to the door and saw this:

Then a couple of days later, there was this one:

Now, this certainly looks good—and Lord knows, home delivery of hot and cold running booze is a super-good use of tech. Talk about meeting a market need...

But I went on their website, and—as I expected—they cannot deliver liquor (or even, apparently, beer) to Virginia. Those Baptist Taliban anti-liquor laws. Also, they don’t want you circumventing their state-run ABC (liquor) stores.

(I noticed on their website once that they forbid anyone bringing in more than a gallon of anything alcoholic (including wine and beer) from outside the Commonwealth. If you’re moving from another state or from abroad, you have to fill out some kind of form to get their permission. Yeah, no.)

However, it is possible for MinibarDelivery.com to deliver to my work address, in the District. Which could certainly be a boon. Although my manager might get a little sniffy. (I mentioned once I was going to pick up a bottle of Glenmorangie for… And he interrupted me to ask if I had a problem, and if he needed to contact HR. I stopped telling him anything about anything.)

So I’ll keep this one in my back pocket.

In tequila veritas

You know, I have to say that, when it comes to tequila, I agree with this response:

Winter is here

I’m not even sure how to start this one out. As you know, the season known as The Holidays is upon us. (In the United States, it’s generally considered that Thanksgiving kicks it off, although it might now be starting at Halloween.) This means holiday decorations. And in the District They Call Columbia, the big megillah is the decoration of the White House.

Dunno if there were great expectations of how the unchurched Kleptocrat would manifest his declaration during the campaign last year that there’d be no more “Happy Holidays” crap if he was elected; strictly “Merry Christmas” all the way. But Monday, while he insulted several Navaho Code Talkers under a portrait of Andrew Jackson, his wife invited reporters (and a few carefully-chosen photo-op children) to witness their idea of the season.

Let me just say: clearly, it would be harder to find a whiter Christmas than this, so a perfect expression of the white-supremacist-in-chief.

But don’t take my word for it. Here was Twitter, starting with the rather wistfully hopeful tweet by Melania’s director of communications.

You sort of got the feeling that Grisham was crossing her fingers, praying that she wouldn’t get trolled. However, she was wrong. So wrong.

Because—holy White Witch, how could anyone in the decorating chain of command have thought that this design would be seen as…anything but an evocation of cracking ice and frozen corpses? (Perhaps they hoped we’d be so grateful not to find gold-spray-painted putti covering every surface, interspersed with handwritten paeans by Cabinet members and the Joint Chiefs of Staff declaring their eternal fealty to the orange Chaos Monkey that we wouldn’t say anything about something that emerged from an Ingmar Bergman nightmare? Yeah, no.)

As Elle magazine quipped, decorating's a snap when you get the Orcs involved.

At any rate, Imma just leave these here.

This one I thought particularly apt.

 And a couple of comments:

“It looks like Christmas on the Death Star.”

“This is the actual war on Christmas, right here.”

“About as warm as a penguin’s ass.”

“Treason’s Greetings!”

We can expect more as we proceed through the next month. Kind of like passing into the mines of Khazad-dûm.

Comma gain?

Whether the world ends in a bang or a whimper, I’m beginning to think that the cause will be an argument over the Oxford comma that gets out of hand.

I see cases made for either side passing on my social feeds, and I laugh them off because I’m firmly in the AP Style camp, and whatever anyone else does I know I’m getting into heaven.

However, this one rather struck my fancy, as someone pointed out something untoward in the Royal Navy’s profile, and who might find it disturbing.

Gratitude Monday: security

Huh. As I mentioned last week, I did not go out shopping on Black Friday. However, apparently my American Express card did.

I fired up the email account I use for subscriptions, web transactions and listservs on Friday to find two notifications from Amex of a questionable charge late Thursday. The emails looked legit, having both my actual name as on the account, and appropriate email address, but because I get faux-Amex phishing attempts about once every six weeks, I still didn’t click on the “this is indeed fraud” button, I called their customer service line.

In the process of being verified, I had to haul out my mobile phone, and found three texts and a voicemail from them about the fraud. (Which I’ll have to deal with, because I’ve told them that I very seldom actually have that phone on, so it’s not a good mechanism for communicating with me.) This is an indicator of how seriously on top of things they are.

(By contrast, NatWest Bank in the UK waited two weeks of processing totally out-of-character charges on my debit card before sending me a letter via snail mail to ask if these were, by any chance, legit. They were not happy about having to eat the fraudulent £750, but tough toenails.)

Anyhow, Sean with Amex fraud protection walked me through verifying actual purchases by me and pinpointing the attempted fraud. This followed what I’ve heard is the typical pattern: a $1 charge somewhere to see if the account is active, then a much larger one—in this case, $455.79 at Target online. Amex didn’t let that charge go through, and they made the six attempts to contact me about it.

He also confirmed that the card wasn’t lost or stolen, that I didn’t “lend” it to anyone else, and that no one could have observed the digits. I do practice good security—online buying on SSL sites only (I look), shredding account statements and the like. This was probably someone going through a likely set of account numbers and seeing what would go through (ergo the $1 trial charge; with a construction company…).

Sean took care of the $455.79 plus $1 and then told me he’d send me a new card. At first he said he’d send it via USPS, and it would arrive on the 29^th. That’s just crazy talk, and I told him it would not do. (Seriously, dude? Look at my usage pattern. That puppy gets used four-five days a week. And we’re talking Black Friday and Cyber Monday. What? Are? You? Thinking?) So he put a rush on it, with delivery for Saturday; I had a new, metal card by 0940.

(I really don’t understand that send-it-by-USPS gambit. It’s called snail mail for a reason. And the last time this kind of thing happened—about five years ago—the Amex reps didn’t even mention mail as an option. Overnight it was —as it should be.)

Now here’s the thing: this is not the first time Amex has acted with dispatch when an uncharacteristic purchase shows up on my account. They run an exceptionally tight ship, with algorithms that must be a sight to behold. I shall now have to remember some new digits (when making online or phone purchases, I don’t even have to have my card out; I know the full account number and four-digit security code by heart, which on occasion has been, ah, very helpful), and will have to swap out the card on record with Amazon, but that is a small price to pay for the absence of hassle and reasonable sense of security that Amex has my back.

Definitely something to be grateful for.

Not black at all

As people all around the world know, today is Black Friday, one of the most insane shopping days of the year. The custom has spread to places that don’t have Thanksgiving, which I do not understand, but whatevs.

And here’s what I’m grateful for: I will at no time today be anywhere near any place where people are shopping.

Many thanks

It’s the Big Day for gratitude here in the United States. The very lucky among us will be gathering with family and friends over a meal, and then some other activities. Bowl games; worship services; going to a movie; board games; serving at a homeless shelter; catching up on news; arguing about fashion choices, politics, original Wonder Woman vs reboot.

Some will go shopping, which means that others will be at work, helping them. Still others will also be at work, on fire trucks and ambulances, in hospital wards and emergency rooms, in cockpits and airports, in patrol cars and precinct houses, on military bases all over the world.

The less fortunate will be eating at soup kitchens, or alone, or not at all.

Today I’ll be joining the friends who had me over last year, and I’m deeply grateful for this. And here’s what else I’m grateful for:

All the turkeys, pigs, cattle, lambs, fish, oysters and other creatures who gave their lives so we can feast—I hope you had a kind existence and a humane end. Thank you.

Farmers, ranchers, fisherfolk, workers in the fields—thank you for your labor that brought this amazing bounty to our tables. You too, supermarket workers—stocking the shelves, directing us to the arcane things we need, sweeping the floors, ringing up all the bags of groceries. I hope you’re unionized. Thank you.

Those who operate homeless shelters, free clinics, soup kitchens, food banks every day of the year—you are my heroes. You give me hope for humanity. Thank you.

Gas station attendants, emergency road rescue crews and convenience store operators who backstop people on the road today, you’re performing a mitzvah. Thank you.

Restaurant cooks, busboys and waitstaff serving families all over the country: I hope your customers don’t give you a hard time and they tip well. Thank you.

First responders of all stripes—thank you.

Serving military, wherever you are, you are on the frontlines of national policy, often making the best of a bad lot. Veterans, however long your service, you contributed to our security at a cost to you we cannot fully understand. Thank you.

Robert S. Mueller III and your team of lawyers, tax experts, terrorism investigators, litigators, RICO prosecutors, money laundering investigators and criminal fraud specialists: please take the day to be with your families and friends, and reflect upon the hundreds of thousands of lives being endangered by the crimes you're probing. The nation and the world are depending on you to uncover whatever acts of corruption, financial improprieties, high crimes and misdemeanors that this Congress is too spineless to look for. Be safe. And thank you.

Those eating alone, or at soup kitchens or not at all—my wish for you is that you soon will find your place among friends who welcome you into their hearts, and that there is room there for gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

And I don't mean lettuce

I love bread—thick-sliced whole grain for sandwiches, home-baked white with crusts removed for cinnamon toast (which my great-grandmother made for us), challah (don't slice it!), corn tortillas straight from the tortillería (or your abuelita’s hands), tandoori-blistered naan, buttery-flaky croissants washed down with café au lait in the morning, paper-thin lavash for scooping the pilaf and kabob koobideh, cornbread, those pancakes for moo-shu pork, crusty French to soak up the garlicky broth from moules. If I’m missing any, just fill in the blanks yourself.

Not for nothing is bread called the staff of life—it is an integral part of meals around the world. “Our daily bread” is code for all food that sustains us. “Breaking bread” is how we invite friends and strangers alike into our homes and our lives. In many cultures, to haul off and commit violence while either a host or guest is a serious crime, because it violates the sanctity of hospitality, as symbolized by the sharing of bread.

And, speaking of sanctity, also not for nothing does bread symbolize the body of Christ during Communion. Because see above about the staff of life.

So today I’m dreaming of bread in all its manifestations, and I’m thankful for its manifold blessings, both real and symbolic.

November heat

There’s something about November—the world (at least in the Northern Hemisphere) getting ready for winter; leaves have finished running through their October particolored changes and are being blown all around by the winds; menus shift from salads and grilled fish to boeuf bourguignon and roasted potatoes.

The weather here in the District They Call Columbia has completely bought into the pre-winter schtick, with daytime temps creeping barely into the 50s, and that sharpish wind slicing through several layers of clothing. So I am deeply grateful for having functioning central heating in my house, with a thermostat, which enables me to come in from that cold outside, to a blissfully warm inside, no matter which room I walk into.

A long time ago I realized what a difference having heat makes on one’s outlook. We were moving from the house where I grew up to another one, which had been in probate and therefore the gas wasn’t connected. I went over on a December morning to wait for the PG&E guy, and in the hour or so it took, I felt like the entire world blew rocks. We’re talking Los Angeles, but in the foothills, so it was pretty chilly, and that house was…weighing heavy on my soul.

But within a few minutes after PG&E fired up the furnace and I felt the warm air through the vents—my spirits started to lift, and all kinds of things seemed possible. Nothing else had changed except the place wasn’t freezing.

So, every time I walk through the front door now I’m reminded again what a blessing this is, how fortunate I am to have shelter that offers this kind of comfort throughout this bleak season.

Gratitude Monday: The spirits are about to speak

Gratitude Monday for the Big Week of Gratitude here in the United States, Thursday being the giorno di tutti giorni of gratitude. So I’ll ease into it.

I’m very fortunate to have been invited back for Thanksgiving dinner with friends. My contribution to the festivities will be a couple of pies. So, I’ve been frantically trawling the Interwebz for recipes, and then perusing my gleanings in search of something both traditional and interesting.

A couple of my finds required bourbon, which I do not have. So, on Friday, on a huntin’ trip to McLean (a community blessed with both old and new money, the operative term being “lots of money”) for suet (a story for perhaps another post), I went to the McLean ABC store.

(ABC, in case you do not live in a benighted state, stands for Alcoholic Beverage Control, which is the agency in the Commonwealth of Virginia that runs the only liquor stores in the state. Up until just a few decades ago, you couldn’t buy booze legally here at all. Because God. Then, once the legislature decided that, well, okay, maybe God—and the Baptists—was okay with spirits, they determined that the only appropriate outlet should be controlled by the state. Because revenues. And here we are, entirely at the mercy of what some centralized, Baptist-Methodist bureaucracy decides Virginians should drink, if they’re hell-bent on drinking anything by sweetened iced tea.)

Well, the McLean store moved across the street from where it used to be. Seems like a larger space, and the manager—in a considerable upgrade from the usual good ol’ boy reeking of tobacco exudates whose idea of likker is Virginia Gentleman with a Bud chaser. (Or the newer group, who appear to be from South Asia. And also have no notion of their merchandise.)

Okay, but I went in armed with a list of recommendations from my spiritous adviser. And the manager was very helpful indeed. Buffalo Trace, as it turns out, disappears off the shelves within a day of arrival, but choices two and three—Eagle Rare and Larceny—were available. The manager had a couple of comments on both, which indicates that he at least knew his stock.

I also splurged on a bottle of Calvados, which I have not had since a trip to France in the last century. I thought the holidays a good time to revisit that. Again, the manager was au fait with this—calva, too, disappears quickly, so I was glad to snag this one.

It remains to be seen whether I’ll particularly like either of the bourbons, but they’re good quality, and my guiding principle is that you don’t cook with anything you wouldn’t drink. And I’m grateful for the opportunity to venture out a little into the spirit world. 

Let the baking commence!