Scariest ever

As we creep towards Halloween, you might be ready for something scary. And I have just the thing.

Frankly, at the best of times, The Bradford Exchange gives me the willies. You know—ghastly memorabilia executed with the most horrifying lack of artistry. Honestly, is there anything more terrifying than the phrase “commemorative plate”?

Yes, as it happens, there is. And TBE is on top of it. Because back in August I came across this ad in the coupons section of the Sunday paper. An ad for something more dreadful than I had thought possible. Thomas Kinkade’s “The Joy of Christmas”. Masterpiece Edition.

Frankly, if this is the Masterpiece Edition, I just don’t want to think what the ordinary edition would be.

It’s got every conceivable horror right there—an illuminated gallery frame showcasing Kinkade’s kitsch. It plays a medley of “12 traditional Christmas carols”. The train really moves. The tree lights up. And it has an “impressive size of about 12 inches high.”

Oh, and the Train Really Moves!

All for only $135.00 plus $14.99 shipping and handling.

Evidently this is such A Thing that you have to reserve it, you can’t just order it. (Although the little reservation form does say “Limit: one per order”, so I’m a bit confused.)

I do wonder what’s up with the “365-day unconditional guarantee”—I mean, I’m not sure what, exactly, is being guaranteed. Perhaps you have to return the “Reservation Application” (today!) before you can find that out.

Anyway, having put this monstrosity out there into the Interwebs, I must now drink something bracing, and try to bleach my brain.

Bwoooahahaha!