Fly the friendly lies

This showed up in my queue last week from United Airlines CEO Oscar Muñoz:

Right from the start, it got up my nose.

Consider me or any other customer “part of our United family”? Really? My or any other customer’s safety is their “highest priority”? Seriously—do not make me laugh. It triggers a coughing fit. More like the security of my payments—including all the nickel-and-dime add-ons—is UAL’s highest priority.

The last graf of the above crop indicates their idea of flexibility—they are graciously condescending to allow paying customers to rebook flights paid for during the window of 7 March (the day it appeared) to 31 March—for free!—within the next 12 months. You don’t get your money back; they’re holding on to that like a toddler clutching her Woobie. They just won’t charge their customary usurious “rebooking” fee. But if you bought your tickets anytime before 7 March, you’re stuffed, Jack.

(WRT the no-charge rebooking, it’s almost like the model they used about three decades ago was actually customer-friendly. Gonif.)

Well, then my Uncle Oscar (well, I’m part of the family, no?) goes on to talk about their corporate sanitary practices.

That bit about industrial hygienists wiping down hard surfaces in aircraft is just bonkers. When, precisely, does this heavy-duty disinfecting process take place? In the 30 minutes between the plane arriving (45 minutes late) at the gate and the start of boarding the next load of passengers into the tube? Seriously? These crews don’t have time to pull out any rubbish left at seats (not that they care about that); there’s barely enough time to replenish the toilet paper in the loos. So the notion of them meticulously wiping down all the tray tables is patently ludicrous.

Does Uncle Oscar think we haven’t flown in ten years?

The reference to in-flight service was risible. Yes, UAL is definitely keeping our safety a priority when their flight attendants’ role is limited to tossing out a choice of cello-wrapped dry biscuits or mini-packets of pretzels. I expect the announcement any moment that they’re suspending serving even those and the “complimentary” beverages out of concern for our health. They won’t ever resume.

Oscar closes out strong, though.

I do indeed believe their commitment to customers is the same it’s always been: give us the cash; now shut up.