Stellar performance

Okay, I’m not going to dwell on this, but HR.

As you know from earlier this week, I was trying to get two basic HR functions accomplished before the end days: hire an intern and get accurate information about the company retirement plan. Still waiting to hear back from Ms. Talent Acquisition Partner about the intern (start date…Monday), and as for the retirement info…

I’ve mentioned before that the benefits manager does absolutely nothing until you’ve sent at least two emails and showed up at her office door. No change here: she ignored the first email, tossed out some unintelligible words when I resent (you forward the original email of days earlier so she knows you know she’s doing spit), and after two more rounds of, “So, does this mean [this] or what?” requests for clarification, she sniffed, “maybe it would be better if we meet in person.” But didn’t suggest a time or send a meeting request.

Well, fine. I sent her a meeting request for yesterday, during one of the vast blocks of time that her Outlook calendar indicated she was not busy. She declined the meeting without explanation and then sent this:

Do not know what to make of “let’s meet tomorrow, although I’m totally busy then” (and if she'd just set up a quick meeting on Wednesday, we'd both be out of our misery. Maybe), and in fact her Outlook calendar was booked for the whole day, starting at 0900. So I sent an invitation for 0830. And got that declined:

So I’m on the books for 0930. Send up prayers.

However. That’s not even the real point of this post. Or, it’s only part of the reason for this post. Because, while unable to fulfill the basic functions of the HR remit, the department announced yesterday morning that, hey, they’re running an employee awards program! Yippee!

Don’t believe me? Here:

I’m pretty sure the “excitement” does not extend beyond the doors of the HR office. But:

Plus:

All administered (including approval of nominations) by HR. (Please also notice that there’s no time constraint around these “awards”: are they made…quarterly? Annually? During a leap year? No tellin’.)

(Although there may be an amendment email. Lately there hasn’t been one directive or announcement out of that department that hasn’t been followed by a correction. Sometimes more than one. And I’m not making that up.)

I’m probably a cranky party pooper, but I’d really prefer that HR did their actual jobs before they started layering on smoke-and-mirrors “perks”. I’d also bet $50 that the request for “employee awards” came in considerably lower in priority than “company-supplied coffee and tea” on the employee survey.

TGIF, my brothers and sisters. TGIF.