Turning to the Dark Side

Yes. Through the generosity of a friend, I am finally in possession of an Apple product. Viz.: a 64Gb iPad Air 2. I decided that I needed to get my head around iOS so I don’t appear to be so last-century when I speak with with-it thought-leader Ninja-rockstar innovators here in the Valley They Call Silicon.

And—I was getting a bit uneasy that my friend Amy would refuse to speak to me if I didn’t cough up some Apple app-ness. :You might not think it to look at her, but you do not want to get on the wrong side of Amy’s expectations of tech cred.

I actually went looking into iPads in August, and they were fine and all. But when I asked about using Swype (I wouldn’t be able to do anything on a virtual keyboard without Swype capabilities), the Apple-boy told me that iOS 8 would have it, so I told my generous friend that I’d wait for that. And he replied that if I wanted to wait a little longer, the Air 2s would be out in October…

When I saw that those would have anti-glare screens and that totally cool fingerprint access, well…

Yes, I can be as shallow as the next guy.

Naturally, you get this beautifully designed package, containing only the tablet, a power cord and outlet connector. Nothing that in any way might resemble any sort of user manual, no—either you’re meant to pick this stuff up in the air or…I suppose there are YouTube videos.

(And, BTW, Apple—a unique connector for this device, which means I have to use this one specific cable and therefore have to take this one specific cable with me when I travel. To add to all the other connectors I need for MP3 player, cameras, laptop, etc. Thanks so much for non-interoperability; such a great design concept.)

And I got it set up (pretty much), although so far I’ve found their interface pushy and heavily geared towards upselling me on add-ons.

Here’s what I’ve done in the slightly more than 24 hours that I’ve had it:

Been forced to get an Apple ID. (After which they sent me an email congratulating me.)

Been forced to sign up for iCloud. (Email.)

Been forced to sign up for iTunes. (Email.)

Been unable to download Firefox. (Doesn’t support iOS.)

Downloaded Kindle app. (Email.)

Downloaded Twitter app. (Email.)

Downloaded Facebook app. (Email.)

They also heavy-handedly tried to get me to give them all sorts of PII, and credit card information, which activities ought to have a “get stuffed” option.

Okay, I'll confess that the fingerprint unlocking mechanism is really cool; especially the process you go through to set it up. I may have to go through it for all ten fingers, just to watch it populate all the ridges and whorls. Yes, I am easily amused.

I’m going to have to break down and go to one or more of their “how to use our incredibly cool and intuitive devices if you’re not cool and intuitive enough to pick it up through the air” classes.

I’m sure that at some point the device’s capabilities will outweigh the corporation’s capacity for pissing me off.

Meanwhile, I'm really enjoying the exploration process, and I'm massively grateful I have the opportunity to join the cool-kids table, even if it's kind of under false pretenses.