Together

Ever since the onslaught of the novel coronavirus—meaning, since people started realizing that COVID19 was not going to be “like the flu”, but was going to start killing us by the tens of thousands—anyone with an email account has been getting the online version of the corporate we’re-in-this-with-you commercials with the somber piano music and keep-us-in-mind-for-all-your-money-spending-decisions message.

In addition to such emails from United Airlines’ CEO, the Paris hotel where I stayed in 2018 and every supermarket where I have an affinity card, I’ve been getting about two a week from a fast-casual restaurant chain in D.C., who are obviously really anxious.

But I think the absolute biscuit for self-serving marketing messaging goes to Mash & Grape, from whom I bought two bottles of booze about three years ago because they have a flat-rate shipping fee. It would have been three bottles, but they didn’t have the rum in stock, and they didn’t bother to tell me that. I had to call them to find out why the total dollar amount didn’t match my order. I've never even looked at their website since.

Here’s their opening gambit:

I mean, of course: “Let’s get through this together!” is such a sincere notion when paired with four bottles of bourbon. Which I don’t drink.