En garde, bouteille!

I have a couple of friends in Virginia who feed my need for weirdness. I met (well, “email met”) Stretch through the Pundit’s Apprentice, who was one of the mainstays of the choir I used to sing in. PA continually challenges my mental acuity and gives me opportunities to Look Stuff Up, activities I adore. Both of them occasionally send me news of the bizarre, obituaries from the Telegraph and book or film recommendations.

Today’s vignette comes courtesy of Stretch. I knew Stretch was worth cultivating when I noticed his signature line: “Omnes moritatem. Deus suos cognoscet.” I’ve only read a little about the Albigensian Crusade, as I’m not much of a medievalist, but that’s an order you don’t soon forget. (And probably one uttered by commanders for millennia, because it’s often hard to tell who’s your friend and who’s your enemy when the field of battle slops over into civilian territory.) It was given by the papal legate when asked how the soldiers were supposed to know who was a heretic and who was of the true faith when they attacked the city of Beziers. “Kill them all,” he said. “God will know his own.” These days that sort of thing would cause a firestorm on Twitter, and CNN would go ballistic; but things were different in the 13^th Century.

Anyhow—what Stretch sent around to a select few was this video from Mental Floss on saberage: how to open a bottle of Champagne with a saber. Or a kitchen knife. Or a machete.

Well, he had me at “Champagne”, so I watched it all the way through. And had a few thoughts:

They’re using Piper Sonoma, which technically is not Champagne. But I do understand why they might not want to use the good stuff. In case of Unfortunate Incidents.

It just tears my heart in two to see sparkling wine go undrunk, for any reason; which is what happens when you rip a cork out the way it’s done here. Couldn’t they at least have put a bowl under it to catch the overflow?

If that gibbering Mental Floss twit can master the technique, I think it must be fairly straightforward, once you screw your courage to the sticking place, as it were. But if so, why would they slap that “Do not try this at home” warning all over it? I thought the whole purpose of this video was to give visual instructions and demonstrations of how to do it, no? WTH?

I like the whole Zen thing of the technique being all in the follow-through. Like smashing blocks of wood with the heel of your hand, it’s all in seeing just beyond the rim. You see the blade and the cork beyond the lip of the bottle; the rest is just detail.

It occurred to me that a bayonet might work—not one of those WWII jobbers, sharp on both sides; but maybe one from the 19^th Century. As might be used on a Martini-Henry rifle. So I asked the question. Naturally, Stretch has a few:

I knew he would. (Points to anyone who can identify the rifles associated with these bayonets.)

I’m thinking that the one in the center would be pretty good—looks like it has a blunt edge, and also has a good handle for gripping.

So I’m hoping someone on the email tries sabering a bottle, and that they record it. I’d try it myself, except that I’m not allowed sharp objects. (Or flammable substances.)

Um.