Gobble, gobble

Okay, for a change, I won’t post a rant about corporate America.

Instead, to help ease you into the holidays, I offer you a Thanksgiving quiz.

Now, I don’t want to be a spoiler here—Lord knows the holidays have a way of accomplishing that all on their own—but I thought I was being had on that whole highest consumption thing. & when I went Googling for “turkeys in Israel” all I got was a bunch of geopolitical nonsense.

However, I guess it’s true, because here’s what l’Office Canadien de Commercialisation du Dindon tells us:

I at least hope they don't consume those nasty yams-&-marshmallows or green bean casserole...

Up & away

Oh, mymymy…

Just when you thought things couldn’t get more drenched in irony in the auto industry, come to find out that the CEOs of GM, Ford & Chrysler actually had the unmitigated gall to fly out to DC on their begging trip…in corporate jets.

& when I say jets-plural, I mean each fat cat in his own jet. They couldn’t even jet-pool, for God’s sake.

Yes, children, they actually were whining to Congress about how their companies won’t survive unless we-the-people fork over another $25B in the next couple of weeks, while their pilots were keeping the G4s ready for them to get out of town.

The generally-accepted cost of running one of these jets on a trip such as Detroit-DC-Detroit is $20K. As opposed to $576 for coach & $1674 first class round trip.

What gets me is the degree of arrogance these jerks-in-bespoke-suits display in doing this. Did they think no one would notice their mode of transportation? Or that no one would think it out of bounds?

I said earlier that these guys have no shame. Well, at this point they’ve gone three exits down the pike beyond the no shame exit.

Did they not have any advisors to say, “Um, Rick—you know, for this particular trip, with this particular purpose, what say you fly Northwest first class? Just this once?”

Evidently not.

But all the more reason to contact your representatives & tell them in simplistic terms that Detroit should just get itself out of its self-induced mess. & they can start with the money-for-old-rope comp packages these CEOs have been getting: Mulally of Ford, $21.6M in 2007; Waggoner of GM, $15.7M; Nardelli of Chrysler has an undisclosed package, but piously said he’d be willing to follow Lee Iacocca’s lead in taking $1/year salary—the LAST time Chrysler needed bailing out . (He’s also the one who got $210 in severance from Home Depot after driving that company into the ground.)

BTW, all of these guys have seen their compensation increased in the double-digits in the past year despite the obvious failures their management has engendered in their respective corporations.

None of the three said he’d be willing to step down as condition of their companies receiving the bailout they say they desperately need. They had the nerve to say their leadership is needed, & Mulally compounded this by adding that if any stipulation were made on restricting executive compensation, it might cause the company to “lose executives & be unable to attract top talent.”

Well, losing THESE execs wouldn’t be the downside of this crisis. & there are plenty of senior-level managers swirling around following the mass slaughter in the financial industry; they might not be quite so prissy about compensation for the next couple of years.

& while we’re on the subject of capitalism, how about this for private enterprise managing without government intervention: Let the damned oil companies bail out the Gang of Three. They’ve been in cahoots for decades—let Exxon-Mobil use some of their obscene windfall profits from the past nine months to invest in Detroit.

& a plague o’ both their fleets of private jets.

General Motors & his army

A colleague of mine, who used to own a car with a GM brand, received this from the corporation. Obviously their brains are so constricted from fear of not getting billions & billions from the American taxpayer that they're sending out SOS emails intended for their suppliers to everyone who's ever given them a working address.

It pretty much speaks for itself; but I'll add some commentary anyhow.

Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2008 1:40:22 AM

Subject: An urgent message to GM suppliers

Because our futures are linked, I want you to know that General Motors is doing everything possible to deal with the impact the financial crisis is having on the domestic auto industry. Yet despite our successful efforts to restructure, reduce costs and enhance liquidity, we are facing an uphill battle with the current administration and Congress in securing a bridge loan.

They're still claiming that it's only the "financial crisis" that's put them in this pickle. If that were the case, why wouldn't every company that's been affected by the meltdown be lined up at the Capitol ready for the corporate dole?

I'd purely like to know how they're defining "successful efforts"--because you'll recall the Big Three have already tapped us for $25B to retool so they can build products the public might want to buy. & GM has been asking for $$ so they can buy Chrysler.

That's why we need your help now. Simply put, we need you to join us to let Congress know that a bridge loan to help U.S. automakers also helps strengthen the U.S. economy and preserve millions of American jobs.

Second reference to this "bridge loan". Apparently what they're after is a really huge payday loan...

Despite what you may be hearing, we are not asking Congress for a bailout but rather a loan that will be repaid.

Oh, comment dit-on en anglais? Merde. (& BTW--the bolding is GM's.)

The consequences of the domestic auto industry collapsing would far exceed the $25 billion loan needed to bridge the current crisis. According to a recent study by the Center for Automotive Research:

Right: the Center for Automotive Research. Located in Ann Arbor, MI; funding source(s) studiously not disclosed. So we can really assume that their findings won't be biased in favor of the industry, can't we?

• One in 10 American jobs depends on U.S. automakers

• Nearly 3 million jobs are at immediate risk

• U.S. personal income could be reduced by $150 billion

• The tax revenue lost over 3 years would be more than $156 billion

One really wants to know the definitions that underpin these catastrophic declarations. For example, what does "depends" mean in the context of "one in 10 jobs depends on US automakers"?

Discussions are now underway in Washington, D.C., concerning loans to support U.S. carmakers. I am asking you to support this vital effort by contacting your representatives.

"Discussions" = "we're giving new meaning to the term 'groveling'".

Please take a few minutes to call your representatives by dialing 1-866-471-5332. Just state your name and address, and your message will reach your legislators. You can review a script that will help you state your support at gmfactsandfiction.com. Under the "Mobilize Now" section, click on "I'm a Supplier." If you would rather e-mail your representatives, use the link "I'm a Concerned American."

& here's the deal: YOU can use these numbers, links & email addresses to contact your Congress-slime & inform them in words of one syllable that you emphatically do NOT want them to fork over so much as a nickel to these corporate panhandlers. You want them to take the consequences of their crap policies & decisions. Just like the rest of us.

Please share this information with friends and family using the link on the site.

Thank you for helping keep our economy viable.

& GM's execs' jobs secure, which is the real point.

Sincerely,

Troy Clarke

You received this email advertisement from GM because you are a registered user of gmsupplierdiscount.com. To unsubscribe from GM Supplier Discount emails, click here. If you prefer not to receive any unsolicited marketing emails regarding GM products and services, click here. To view the GM privacy statement, click here.

The marks of General Motors, its divisions, slogans, emblems, vehicle model names, vehicle body designs and other marks appearing in this email are the trademarks and/or service marks of General Motors Corporation, its subsidiaries, affiliates or licensors. ©2008 GM Corp. Buckle up, America!

General Motors Corporation

100 Renaissance Center

482-A00-MAR

Detroit, MI 48265

FYI: GM have been urging similar "Congressional communications" on their US employees.

Running on empty

You know, I’m not unsympathetic to the thousands of employees of the US automakers, or to the employees of suppliers & vendors to the industry. I have friends who work for those companies, & I don’t want to see them hurt by this fiasco.

But you just have to draw the line somewhere, & when one of these companies can issue this recent memo to staff, & think that anyone either inside or outside the company will really believe this codswallop, well—you’ve given up all pretense of being a company run by sentient beings.

Here’s the memo, with some redactions, translations & comments:

The set of messages below might be helpful in your communication efforts.

• The current economic and financial crisis is global and across all industries, [we are] not the only company under intense pressure in this very turbulent environment.

= We're being unfairly picked on. We're only one of hundreds, maybe thousands or millions, of Fortune 1000 companies that made & continue to make boneheaded, greed-based "business" decisions. & the media's focusing on us instead of banks, insurance companies, mortgage lending, the government, etc. You never hear about THEM, do you? It’s not our fault!

• Speculation is increasing and to such an extent that it is becoming difficult to separate facts from myths

= Unfortunately, our complete idiocy is becoming common knowledge & we’re having a hard time figuring out even for ourselves what we did or only thought about doing; much less what we told the outside world.

• The media is focusing heavily on [us] and the automotive industry, for example, regarding program delays, mergers, and a number of other issues that can easily distract us from focusing on our daily work. All of us want to know more. The 'not knowing' adds a lot of stress for all of us.

= Why can’t they just keep the spotlight on the mortgage crisis or the financial institute meltdown? It’s not fair!

• There is not a lot we can say, but please rest assured that [we are] proactively addressing the situation. Our best people are exploring every possible action to stabilize our business. Many of the opportunities that our senior leadership is looking at, are still in the exploratory phase, and it would really not be appropriate to discuss these openly. Also, some of the actions involve material information, and therefore legal and financial guidelines prohibit the company from commenting, both in- and externally.

= We don’t really have any solutions or plans, but we’re working on producing the appearance of thinking about coming up with one or two.
= & don’t say anything to anyone about anything.

• As soon as actions are finalized, we will share the information directly with you

= If it’s absolutely unavoidable.

• Meanwhile, it is of the utmost importance that we remain focussed [sic] on our job and place maximum attention in conserving cash and eliminating waste.

= We certainly don’t want you to stop working like Trojans as though what you do really advances our business non-planning. & we want you to cut back on the company coffee so we can continue to fly our senior management around the world in style.

• We own [sic] [the company] our very best efforts to help the company through this crisis

= We want you to be confident in our abilities, because after all—we’re rich & you’re not, so we MUST be smarter than you.

• [We] will emerge [sic—evidently they haven’t even planned far enough ahead to know how/where/when/what they’ll emerge

= If we can persuade Congress to fork over more money to keep the company going until our retirement packages kick in.

• Your hard work and dedication is very much appreciated.

= We’re hoping that after a while, you & everyone else will forget that we said we were going to come up with solutions; & then we’ll retire, so it won’t matter.

I mean, honestly—they must really think the world is populated with nothing but rutabagas.

Driving me mad

Well, execs from the Big Three have private-jetted & limoed up to the Capitol & are holding out their gold-plated begging bowls to Congress, in search of another $25B in bail-out money (in addition to the $25B they got a few months ago to revamp their production line to build autos the public actually might want to, you know, buy) from we-the-people.

As you might imagine, this absolutely eats my lunch.

It is a mark of their arrogance that these [insert plural expletive here] have the unmitigated nerve to explain with straight faces that they deserve the next several billions because if they go belly up (which is the entirely predictable result of their business decisions & strategies for 20 years & more), thousands—maybe millions—will lose their jobs. & we can’t let that happen, can we?

Naturally, they assure us, they’re only in this pickle because of the general state of the economy, which wasn’t their fault. They’re the victims in this, just like all the other regular guys they down beers with at the local tavern.

It’s especially rich that they use the loss of tens of thousands of jobs as the major rationale for the bail-out, when they’ve been doing everything in their power over the past 30 years to screw the workers whose jobs they haven’t yet managed to off-shore.

(They were actually joined today by Ron Gittelfinger, president of the UAW, who is also acting like he's on Queen for a Day. He prates about how the current state of affairs isn't the automakers' or unions' fault for living in the cloud cuckooland of the past, but just that darn economy. You just have to wonder if any of these buffoons are stupid enough to believe what they're saying, or just hope that we are.)

Pelosi has been making noises like giving them what they want, although at today’s hearings senators on both sides of the aisle at least discomfited the heterotrophs in the $6K suits.

I really hope Congress draws the line at handing out our cash like Monopoly money to every Fortune 1000 company that shows up at their door with a sad story & crocodile tears. & in this case if they can’t refrain from acting like Crazy Uncle Louie, at least make sure there’s a whole yarn-factory-load of strings attached. No, not strings—I want enough bleedin’ steel cable wrapped around these companies to cover Africa with a T-1 network.

What strings you ask? Like specifying a REALISTIC business plan for cost-cutting & retooling to make cars people want to buy & drive. (= cut out the gas guzzlers; shut down Hummer; stop fighting the dreaded mileage requirements) & then FOLLOWING the plan.

A basic requirement is that top management is out (without huge severance deals—the CEO of Chrysler got a severance package of $210MM when he left Home Depot a few years ago—what the hell does he know about belt-tightening, or even restraint?) & be replaced with people who aren't tied to the current way of doing things.

Management salaries go down (as part of that cost-cutting thing) & bonuses are strictly tied to actual, you know, performance. Their propensity for international travel booked & rebooked at the last minute goes, because they’d be introduced to the joys of video conferencing. These guys don’t seem to have joined the late 20th Century—their tech mentality is as outdated as the cars they produce

Oh—& their assets are on the line as collateral. If they don't perform, we the people get to take over the assets & start selling them off. There's no WAY we should give any of them money without securing the loan; they haven't shown themselves capable of managing their money (or, more accurately, their stakeholders’)—why would we think they'll do better with ours?

I'm acutely aware that there are indeed millions directly & indirectly affected by the Big Three’s problems. It's not just their employees, but their suppliers, & the suppliers of raw materials; it's dealers; it's people who clean the dealerships & supply them with coffee & pencils...

But why should it be that if you're HUGE & act like complete idiots over a period of YEARS we'll bail you out, but if you're a small business & you blow it, you're on your own? If one auto company gets so much as a nickel, not one bloody person with a V or a C in their title gets a raise or a bonus for the next 18 months, & after that, only if there's progress. They have absolutely no incentive whatsoever to change what they're doing.

Flushing my tax dollars down after what they've already lost is only going to delay the inevitable. If they're going to keep on screwing up, it's better to get it over with—a clean kill instead of the painful, wasting illness they’ve been carrying for decades.

Blast from the past

So, I'm a real sucker for Christmas (holiday, if you prefer) craft fairs (or, if you're in the UK, fayres). Actually, I really love craft fairs, full stop; but Christmas ones are kind of like Courvoisier VSOP—you take the good & distill it down to the fabulous.

& by "fabulous", I don't necessarily mean "high quality". It's just that you see such a range of stuff & have real opportunities for picturing what a house would look like with some quantity of the items installed.

I'm big on picturing the mise en scene.

So one fair was at the Woodinville Community Center. Woodinville is home to several wineries & presents itself rather self-consciously as faux Napa. The crafts were all Christmas ornaments (no tschatschkes for Hanukkah here), & the place was utterly crammed with them. With all the women (this appears to be an activity for the XX-chromosome set exclusively), some already in Santa sweaters, milling through the very narrow passages, I was feeling a bit claustrophobic & I whizzed through in less than the time it took me to check out the 7 Cedars casino last week.

The other fair was at Blaine Memorial Methodist Church, which turns out to be a predominantly Japanese congregation. The neighborhood is old & working class, narrow streets with little houses lining them.

I got there about 15 minutes before the advertised opening, to find the church lot filled, middle-aged men directing traffic, & cars parked on both sides of streets radiating out from the church (leaving but a single lane for traffic). There was a queue of about 150 people waiting already.

I joined them & realized that there were very few hakujin there, & I was the only redhead.

Now here's the flashback: I went straight to the days when I used to babysit for our friends the Dyos, parents Sansei who ran a landscape architecture business. (They lived in the house where the Greene Brothers of early 20th Century craftsman architecture fame resided. It wasn't nearly as impressive as the houses they built for clients. But it had a huge back yard they used for the plants & equipment for their business.)

If the night out was a Saturday, I stayed over & went with them to their church in Little Tokyo, where I'd be the only non-Asian. Mrs. Dyo would introduce me with a completely straight face as, "this is my daughter by my first marriage."

The Dyos also used to host a mochi making party the weekend between Christmas & New Year's in that capacious back yard. The Japanese-American community in the Greater LA area would be there to make the traditional rice cakes (which I never learned to like) for the coming year. There'd be huge towers of rice steaming over wood-burning stoves (each family brought their own rice for processing). The men would stoke the fires & also run these, well, rice smashing hopper jobbers that ground the cooked rice into a steaming paste for being made into the cakes.

This mechanization was a break with tradition, of course. The traditional way was to have two men with wooden mallets the size of sledgehammers rhythmically pound the rice on a wooden stand with a depression in it; after each blow a woman with really fast reflexes would reach in & sort of turn the blob of rice around for an even pounding.

I know that because one year they actually did a few batches that way; but modernity was winning out over custom.

Anyhow, when the blob was the right consistency, a man would rush it over to long, paper-covered tables sprinkled with cornstarch. Women gathered around the tables gossiping & shaping the rice into little round flat cakes with pat-pat-pats. Every once in a while they would insert a center of bean curd & wrap the rice around it. But those hands just flew, along with the conversation & the laughter.

Lunch was soup: you picked out noodles from a pot, put them in a bowl with chicken pieces & seaweed & then covered it all with broth ladled out from huge vats. Man, that was wonderful soup, although at the time I wasn't sure about the seaweed.

(About 10 years ago I was lunching with colleagues at a Japanese restaurant on a miserable, cold, wet day in Fairfax, huddled over a bowl of udon. In the midst of yapping about the project we were working on I suddenly looked down at the soup & proclaimed, "When I was ten years old I'd never have believed I'd be saying this, but this soup needs more seaweed.")

The Dyos moved out of the Greene house in the 70s, & it's now a nursing home. Mr. Dyo died shortly thereafter of an unexpected heart attack & I'm afraid to stop by their house when I visit Pasadena because I don't want to find that my mother-by-her-first-marriage is also gone.

All this came back to me standing in that queue, listening to the banter going on around me. I wonder if there's a mochi-making tradition around here?

Oh—the fair? Eh—well, I spent about 20 minutes going through it & didn’t buy anything. (Although I did agonize a bit over some gift boxes that were really interesting.) But we’re really early in the holiday fair season, so there will be opportunities aplenty.

Another coffee, please

It occurs to me that I forgot to mention an incident at one of my employer's espresso bars here: I ordered a decaf espresso and the barista gave me that eye-rolling, "why bother?" look as he set it up alongside the six double- and triple-shot cappuccinos he had working.

You know—I've had decaffeinated coffee in both France and Italy and never got stick from the waiters. Seattlites should really dial back on the attitude.