Well, well, well. Life’s a funny old thing, innit?
Last Thursday—the 75th anniversary of D-Day—the head of
the program I’m working on came into my office (only the fourth time in the
past six months this has occurred) and asked how I was doing. I replied the
usual and inquired after herself.
“Not very well,” she said. And the short version is that the
program has burned through the several hundred thousand dollars we’ve got in
grants, and she’s letting me go.
This is actually not unusual in startup organizations: they’re
underfunded and don’t manage what funds they do have, so everything goes to
hell and they can’t figure out how to turn it around. We were partly screwed by
having a grant proposal in seven figures to the National Science Foundation,
which was to have been made late last year, but the government shutdown put it
on hold for months. We still haven’t received it. And even if it should show up
tomorrow, my manager (whom I’ll call SM) said the best she could do for me was
part-time, because she’s “mortgaged” that money, spending it on other things in
advance of receiving it, like a wastrel viscount in a Regency novel living riotously
on his expectations.
(It’s telling that, while this initiative is truly a worthwhile
endeavor, and we are uniquely positioned to make systemic changes in STEM
diversity and inclusion, our overall organization has declined to fund it. The
few million in startup costs would have been an investment in not only a bold
new program that would be self-sustaining in five years, but would also have
added immeasurable prestige to the organization. However, this company is
nothing if not risk averse, so that’s that.)
I’ve been struggling with my colleagues ever since I was
transferred in—while SM specifically asked for me because of my business skills—the
two program directors have been nothing but dismissive and disrespectful and
uncollegial. (This is not me being super sensitive; others have commented on it
as well.) They completely fail to recognize that if this program is not a
sustainable business, it will fail. And that I’m the only person who can frame
the business strategy, build a revenue model, develop a marketing plan and
product manage the complex IT platform that is critical to business operations.
Critical inasmuch as: you cannot launch this program and ask
institutions to pay annual subscription fees in five figures without it.
I won’t go into detail, but even on this element—an area in which
they have zero expertise and I have more than a decade as a product manager—they
hared off to run the buildout themselves. I spoke with SM a couple of times
about my concerns in this regard; she nodded and said, “We should have a
huddle.” And nothing changed.
So, I just started taking it over. As it stands now, four companies
have submitted proposals for the work of documenting the software requirements
so we can issue an RFP to build the platform. (I included the colleague I’ll
refer to a LW on scoping calls as the programmatic SME. During them he pished
endlessly about things that are irrelevant to the discussion, and he waxed
expansive on how much money we have in hand—high six figures—to spend on
the project. Yes—he told the vendor how much money we have to spend; you
heard me hitting my head on my desk at that moment. And he sent the clear
message that he was running the show.
Well, I guess he will be…if they ever get the money.
Okay, well, back to D-Day. I asked SM what the timeline was—was I
to clear out my desk right then? No, she’d need to work it out with my other
colleague, who is (get this) my “acting supervisor”; SM was moved out of
managerial responsibilities while I was in Ireland. And the chick who is widely
viewed throughout the organization as a loose screw and who actively
disrespects my contributions now holds my immediate future in her hands. And
she’s currently partly out on some kind of medical leave (which I only knew
about because of her out of office email response). SM said she wanted to be “humane”,
although I don’t know what her definition of that term is.
For a renowned scientist, SM was remarkably vague, and was clearly
more concerned about the program than me. (Fair enough. But without me, they’ll
end up having to hire a business strategist, a marketing director and a product
manager…if they ever get the money and if my two colleagues haven’t driven the
train off the rails by then. They have no pricing strategy and no expertise to
build one. Also, without the IT, they have only one of four services to offer,
which lowers the retail value considerably. But no longer my problem.) How
unconcerned? She didn’t close the door to my office while telling me this.
So why is this sad tale my Gratitude Monday post?
Back in December 2017, when my then-manager announced that the board
of directors had decided to defund the innovations program, I’d just got back
from my first mini-vacation since I joined the company—a
long weekend in Québec City. My first though (before he told me that SM
wanted me to work on her program) was, “Oh, no—I’m sorry I spent the money on
that trip!” My first feeling was fear.
This time—just having returned from a longer, and more expensive,
trip to Ireland—I’m glad I took the trip. I’m not sorry at all that I busted
out and invested in my happiness. Because that’s what that journey was: a leap
of faith that I can be happy again.
On my Metro ride home Thursday, I thought about all the financial
terrors that could lie ahead, and then I remembered I have 401(k) savings. I
have a place to live. My car’s locks stopped recognizing the electronic signal on
my fob, but the key works fine. I should have made the appointment with the
dermatologist, but my insurance will cover me till the end of the month, when
COBRA kicks in.
And then I turned my attention to finding my next career stage. A
friend I met through infosec Twitter, who’s been helping me all along, kicked
into high gear when I told him my situation. I spent Friday sending résumés and
skills matrices to connections he gave me in five companies for internal referrals.
I’ve set up a meeting for today with a couple of colleagues just to let them
know and to ask them to be on the lookout. Even though they aren’t probably
connected to the kinds of companies I’m interested in, you never know. I put in
for vacation on Thursday and Friday because I’m over the limit of how much I
can get paid for when I leave. And I have a video call with a recruiter on
Thursday for a product marketing opening.
And I’m reaching out to former colleagues to get the word out, and
get introductions. Product marketing and management, preferably infosec, if you're asking.
Look—I have no idea what’s going to happen. And it is scary; not
lying to myself or to you about that. But today, oddly, I’m grateful for the
opportunity to set out on the pioneer trail again, to find a place that will
value me and my contributions. And I’m grateful I took that trip to Ireland and
reminded myself of possibilities.
And that’s my Gratitude Monday.
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