I was wrong; I'm sorry

Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, begins today at sundown. It’s the day when Jews prepare for the New Year by considering their actions over the past months and making efforts to acknowledge and amend the wrongs they’ve committed. Kind of like steps four through nine of the AA 12-step process.

Part of the amendment element is making an apology to the person or persons you have wronged. Marjorie Ingall has considered this issue for some time—she’s one partner in a blog that analyzes apologies, telling us why they’re good or bad. She summarizes those criteria in this story in Tablet Magazine.

Here are the elements: take ownership of the offense (use first person and name the incident(s) and acknowledge the impact of your actions); you can offer an explanation, but don’t make a Russian novel out of excuses. When you’ve done that, shut up and let the other person respond. And take it without whining or throwing up defenses. Finally—make reparations.

Fairly simple in theory, but not so easy in practice, as Ingall acknowledges; and as we’ve all experienced. She has a much longer list of how not to apologize, and I think you’ll all recognize them, as either the recipient or the perpetrator at various times in your life.

I’d like to add one more to that enumeration: the “are you open to an apology?” non-apology. I’ve written about this before, and it is an empty exhalation of breath. It’s vaguely proposing the theory of an apology without any of the substance of an actual, you know apology.

Plus, by thinking that counts, the only association with “sorry” is to your sad little life that you think you don’t have to own up to your actions, you pathetic excuse for a chordate.

Oh, here's another way not to apologize: posting "To all my friends: It's Yom Kippur and I'm sorry for anything I've done that might have hurt you" on Facebook, or tweeting it. There should be some kind of cosmic bitch-slap for anyone who tries that crap and thinks they've cleared the slate.

I personally believe that apologizing for something you’ve done is easier the less time you let pass between the offense and your atonement. The longer you let things go, the harder it is to swallow all that amassed crow. (At least it is in my experience.) Besides—getting into the habit of saying “I was wrong” and “I’m sorry” keeps you grounded.

But it’s also good to have a once-a-year date on your calendar to take a look back, maybe revisit some exchanges that you might have dismissed at the time but appear a little different after a few months, and then reach out to admit you were a dickhead, and say you’re very sorry about it.

Not “I might have seemed to be a dickhead…” or “I was only a dickhead because…” or “…if being a dickhead ruined [insert occasion here]”. No qualifiers, no weaseling, no drama queen.

I was wrong.

I’m sorry.

Let me do [this] to make it up to you.

There—feels much better already, doesn’t it?