Slinging...manure

Yes, okay, I sometimes shop at Whole Foods. Shoot me, if you want; as long as it’s a clean kill…

However, you find very interesting things there.

Earlier this summer, for example, there was this pile of, you know, manure in front of the entrance to the produce section. No, no—it was in bags, but look:

Well, you know it got me asking questions.

Such as: if Bob has a best manure, does that also mean he has some that’s just, you know, marginally good? What would that be like? How would you tell the difference?

What about Bob’s worst manure?

I posted the picture on Facebook, and immediately there were more questions.

LQ: “Yeah, but is it vegan?”

Well, I certainly hope so, because…Whole Foods. If it turned out that their manure had hormones or antibiotics in it, quelle scandale!

But wait—there’s more.

JB: “Organic? Fair trade? Steroid free? Sustainably raised? Free range?”

Yep—all legitimate queries when it comes to Whole Foods bullshit.

Someone posited that it probably costs $19.99 a bag, so I went back to the store to check on that. Interestingly, there were no price signs on the manure, and the two guys working that area didn’t know, although they thought it was “maybe $15-16, something like that.”

Moreover, the guy in customer service not only had no idea, but apparently he could not look it up in a computer: he called the produce guys, who gave him the same “$15-$16” estimate. They said they were making signs right then.

Well, a few days later I went back again, and this time there were prices:

They called it compost, but it was the manure. And of course they sourced it, so you shouldn’t mistake this for Bob’s Best from, say, Fresno or Pacoima. Or, horrors, Des Moines. And—massive relief all around—it is organic I suppose $6.99 is not outrageous, but it’s been a while since I’ve needed to amend soil.

One more thing—“Free-Range Manure” would make a great rock band name.