The test of true love

So, because it’s Valentine’s Day, and I always try to help you out with your romantic endeavours, and because it’s one of the premiere merchandising holidays in the calendar, I’ve got something cutting-edge for you.

Evidently there’s a high-end Japanese lingerie company called Ravijour, and they’ve put all their high-tech ingenuity into developing a bra that only opens when its wearer experiences true love. I heard about it on Twitter, so there!

No, I am not making this up. They’ve called it the True Love Tester bra, and they’ve made this helpful video to ‘splain how it, uh, operates. Naturally, it involves a smartphone app; pretty much everything worth having does these days, apparently.

Now Ravijour’s reps claim that this thing can tell the difference between elevated heart rate due to a cardio workout or a sudden shock of the Alien popping out of John Hurt’s chest or the stress of, say, a job interview, and elevated heart rate on account of lurv. They don’t mention distinguishing between love and lust, which I think is rather an important point. You definitely want to be able to get it off in the case of lust. They might have that in the roadmap for v2 or so.

(I also hope they have plans to make it not look so, uh, industrially ugly. Just sayin’…)

Neither do they address how you get it off if, at the end of the night, you still haven’t met Mr. Right. Is there some sort of no-luck override code you can enter via your smartphone? (And how creepy is it that you need a smartphone to get your bra off?)

Or what if you meet Mr. Right at your brother’s wedding reception and it pops open right in front of God, granny and your actual wedding date? I mean, you really want some sort of basic-decency delay function on this sucker.

(It occurred to me to wonder why no one's working on the male equivalent of this: underpants that pop open when the sensor senses an elevated rate of blood flow. But I realized that's not feasible at all, because the average guy would be dropping his drawers at least eight times an hour, so, never mind.)

I suppose it’s good to know that someone is working on this sort of thing. Possibly. Because who knows what they’d be up to otherwise?