Just give it a damn rest, will ya?

Oh, Lord—this is making the rounds again. You know—that “ha-ha-you-Americans-can’t-organize-your-way-out-of-a-paper-bag-so-we-Brits—who-have-a-much-better-record-at-this-sort-of-thing—are-assimilating-you-back-into-the-uh-well-it-used-to-be-the-empire-but…” thing.

It first struck back in 2000, when we had the whole hoo-ha about the Gore-Bush election, And it was apt and amusing. The first six or fifteen times someone sent it to me. (I was in the UK at the time.)

Well, snorfle, yes; we definitely screwed the pooch on that one and opened ourselves to any kind of snook-cocking anyone wanted to engage in. But, really, people—we’ve moved beyond it; surely you should, too.

However, before we do, I’d like to address a few points:

1) Back when it first came out, it was Utah that HM did not fancy. But I can see the case for North Dakota, too, so this gets a pass.

2) David Cameron appointing anyone to anything? Seriously? Bwahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!

3) Uh—“Congress” includes the Senate, dimwit. (Imagine if you said “Parliament and the House of Commons will be disbanded”, or do I need to get down to words of one syllable?) If you want to skewer, best to actually do a bit of research so you don’t look like an ignorant yahoo in the process. Just sayin’…

4) Your points 1 and 2 are redundant with respect to spelling. As for objecting to filler words, not really in a position to cavil, innit? (Also, from what I’ve seen on social media, there’s definite confusion over there on your/you’re, and there/their/they’re. Might want to brush up.)

5) I’m willing to accept the point about guns and lawyers; maybe even therapists. But, tell me—how’s that whole “mustn’t grumble” thing working out for you? And your aversion to therapists might be because they're not included in the NHS?

6) Sorry—better include “corkscrew” in there with the vegetable peeler, or the deal’s off. You do not want to mess with Californians who’ve lost access to wine; you just don’t.

7) Yeah, that whole “beer” delta was a thing, wasn’t it? But we now have microbrewers popping up everywhere (including North Dakota, although perhaps not Utah) that out-brew a lot of what gets served in British pubs. (Where, BTW, icy lager is quite the rage and there’s way too much over-priced bottled Bud sloshing around inside the Flower of British Youth for anyone over there to make remarks. People drink it here because it’s cheap; you don’t have that excuse.) And independent brewers are being swallowed up or pushed out by the conglomerates, so I’m thinking you really don’t want to go down this road.

8) Oh, please—there have to be more Brits on American TV and in movies than ever. We can't get enough of you. Throw in the Aussies and Canadians, we're completely stuffed.

9) Uh, which Four Weddings and a Funeral did you watch? The one I saw had MacDowell (the “d” is up; you might want to get your nits right if you’re going to pick them) as Southern American as they come. Did you get confused?

10) OTOH, I’ll give you the fact that that film made me want to hurl, independent of accents.

11) I have two words for you: “Downton Abbey”. I wish we could take back the 8^th Air Force if this is what we got in exchange.

12) I’ll give you the points on football, but are you seriously saying that cricket is more interesting than baseball? They're both unspeakably dire. Someone needs their meds adjusted. Oh, wait—the NHS is probably diluting them to save money.

13) Tea? With china cups and saucers? And biscuits? What freaking century are you talking about?

14) While we’re talking beverages, you should hang your heads in shame at the amount of instant coffee you drink.

And finally—let me just point out that neither you nor anyone else can revoke our independence because no one gave it to us. We took it by force of arms. 

Which, if you check your own history books, was a Big Freakin’ Deal to Britain back then. (When Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, not only was he unable to man up enough to hand his sword in person to Washington, but his band played “The World Turned Upside Down”. For a reason.)

So, for one more time—so amusing, you Brits. Ha-ha. It’s been 13 years; could you please come up with something new?

If not, let me tell the one about Blair being Bush’s poodle. That always cracks me up.