Biz-speak 2.0

Last month the BBC ran an online story about biz-speak. It really hit home; I think there’s a wide-spread nausea caused by the kind of bastardization of English in the name of business trendiness. The language that is graced by the works of Churchill, Fitzgerald—even, God help me, Hemingway—now suffers from the 50 phrases inventoried by the BBC, as well as innumerable others.

I’m sure your teeth will ache in sympathy as you go through the list. But you know I’m not going to let it go without commentary.

This catalog doesn’t include one of my pain points (which phrase is one of my pain points: one’s customers never seem to have business problems; you must discover their pain points): proactive. Being “proactive” is meant to denote someone who isn’t reactive; it describes someone who takes initiative.

Folks, the opposite of reactive is active. Why dress it up with an extraneous syllable?

There’s also a phrase I’ve heard that just brings the weirdest pictures to mind: “open the kimono”. It means (I think) to give someone (typically a customer or partner) a look into the inner workings of an organization or a project. I’ve only ever heard it in the context of sales & business development, where it does seem to carry that meaning. But—why “kimono”? Why not “bespoke tailored Egyptian cotton shirt with French cuffs”? Or “bathrobe”?

I suppose "trench coat" is out because of that whole flasher imagery. But it’s probably more apt than the kimono.

Another word du jour that is spreading like flu in January is “viral”. Your marketing campaign ain’t worth spit if it’s not viral. Meaning it’s turbo-charged by word-of-mouth; or, more specifically, word-of-blog. Interesting that the reference is to something that’s generally considered a scourge: the root word “virus” comes from the Latin for poison or toxin. In the world outside of business, viruses include influenza, diarrhea, Ebola, herpes &, of course, HIV. How did the adjective associated with diseases that even in the 21^st Century have no cures morph into high praise for business practices?

The most recent to appear in my experience is “socialize”, as in the usage of a former manager: “Socialize this new requirement with Development; make sure they get on board.” This subverts an intransitive verb into a transitive one, which just gets up my grammatical nose. It also brings to mind images of one throwing a party with cocktails & canapés, celebrating the new requirement as guest of honor.

More importantly, to the manager, it meant that his staff had the unpleasant task of informing colleagues of the various directives that will trespass on their functional authority, while he remained above the fray.

I suspect he used the phrase “plausible deniability” to senior management in the event that a specific ukase collapsed under its own weight.

Now—as to the BBC’s list:

I think #19 is legit, but only if you spell it “git”. “From the git-go” has been in long-standing standard use in the south & west of the US. Someone in Gucci loafers transliterated a perfectly acceptable frontier/down-home expression.

The comment on #23 cracks me up: “I can't help but think insecure business people use such phrases to cover up their inability for proper articulation.” The submitter doesn’t appear to be so articulate as to be entitled to denigrate the expressions of others. Plus, the misuse isn’t so much a failure to articulate as it is a basic lack of a disciplined thinking process. People blather to fill the space, hoping that some of their gush will cover the point or points they thought they intended to make…

Now, I’m guilty of #24. But lately I’d settle for getting my ducks all on a single pond. (I remember the first time I heard the expression—working for a tech company in Durham, NC. I had to ask what it meant, because I didn’t understand why it would be important to anyone to have ducks in a row. &, while I’m at it, would getting ducks in a row be similar to herding cats?)

The submitter of #30 claims the UK as the originator & sole exponent of “at the end of the day”. I beg to differ: back more than ten years ago our VP of Product Marketing used to sprinkle his exhortations with that phrase. & he got his MBA from the University of Texas. (Some of us had a pool going to guess when one of the more passionate sycophants in the department would start using that phrase in her speech.)

As for #31, the “110%” crowd are complete pikers. Ms. Suck-up (mentioned in the comment on #30) went on record as being behind Mr. Longhorn “a thousand percent”. & you have to hear the nasal tone on the drawn-out thousand to get the full effect.

I picked up #32 while working in telecoms. I knew I’d been assimilated into the collective when I heard myself berating a friend by saying, “You’re dropping data. & not just bits; you’re dropping entire data streams.”

In my defense, it was only that one time, & I’ve been clean for 11 years now.

Feel free to add your own pet peeves. It won’t stop your colleagues from continuing to use them, but you’ll feel better for it.