The term “grace” covers a lot of territory. It
can mean anything from an elegance of movement—poise—to a state of permanent godly
sanctification. (The latter concept has always manifested itself in my
imagination as a kind of shower of light. Which, now that I consider it, may be
what all those Medieval and Renaissance painters were getting at with the halos
they attached to the heads of angels and saints.) But today I’m thinking of
something somewhere between the two endpoints of the spectrum.
I’ve been grappling with the notion of grace
for a while. And by “a while” I mean “years”. Grace lies at the heart of my
gratitude practice—my conscious effort to actively seek out people and things in
my life that spark joy in ways both large and small. If you click on the “Giving thanks” label to the right of the blog, you’ll find my weekly devotion to
gratitude. Sometimes it’s something glorious, like the Women’s
March, or the Supreme Court striking
down laws prohibiting same-sex marriage; occasionally it’s a reflection
on a friend. But most often it’s me stopping to notice and appreciate small
beauties, like sunsets and flowers and rabbits and birds; or even latte art.
The latter category—small beauties—is the one I
draw upon on days when I feel the absolute crappiest. When I have to make
myself cast about for something—anything—that
doesn’t suck to the max, and that therefore might constitute some indication that
there might be a reason to want to wake up tomorrow.
So this
post from a local Unitarian-Universalist church on grace definitely resonated
with me. The writer speaks of the grace that I seek—the small, unexpected
splashes of light in a life that seems almost entirely in the shade, if not in darkness.
This is the part that struck deep within me:
“I don’t get to choose when grace is given to
me, so I must be gracious in my life.”
And this is where I struggle. I get so wrapped
up in fears large and small—from what’s going on in the world and the nation to
what’s going on at work—that I fail to be aware of grace, which also exists alongside
the fear. With eyes focused on the pavement, I walk past the flower that peeks
out between bricks in a wall. My brain replays last week’s conversations on continuous
loop, so I fail to hear the birds singing around me. The scowl on my face as I
gird myself for another frustration at work, on the commute, wherever…prevents
someone from greeting me with a smile.
And thus my own lack of graciousness thwarts
the very thing I seek from manifesting itself in my life. I fail, in Caine’s
words, to recognize the subtle blessings in life—in my life. This is a fearful realization.
The corollary to this—something I also frequently
fail to recognize—is that I can be a grace in the lives of those around me, by
being kind, by being attentive, by showing recognition and appreciation. By
picking up the litter someone else has tossed. By making room for the baby
stroller on a crowded Metro car. By letting someone merge into traffic.
When you feel you have little to contribute, it’s
heartening to think that you can give grace. It doesn’t require great wealth or
grand gestures; it only needs awareness and willingness. I don’t get to choose
when to receive grace, but I can choose when to give it. And by giving it, I
can choose to be it. That is within
my power.