Tweelight zone

You know, the British Empire is long gone, despite the heroic efforts of Winston Churchill to hang on to it. And even the hip supremacy of the Fab Four and Carnaby Street has settled down to the Geriatric or Petrified Stones. But there are still features of whimsy and daftness that will remain Forever England.

Because, let’s face it, nobody does nutty quite like the Brits.

Case in point: Currently in Somerset, they have a problem with Fairy Doors. Well, an overabundance of them. They’re becoming as common as Starbucks, and authorities are therefore required to Take Action to halt the proliferation.

What’s that, you ask? Fairy doors? Why—they’re teeny little doors built into trees in Wayford Woods, for the, um, fairies. Just like it says.

I absolutely dunno how they got started, but at this point I can totally understand why “Fairy Control” is necessary. Because—in the absence of a homeowner association or town council, you can see how door builders have just lost the plot. 

No central design planning, so every possible shape, color and, er, ornamentation imaginable. Think glitter, people. And worse.

I mean—looks like some low-life no-better-than-they-should-be fairies have moved into the forest and at any moment will start putting tiny clapped-out washing machines in their front yards. Plus—they’ll start playing the radio loud at all hours and toss wee empty beer bottles about instead of placing them in the dumpsters like decent fairies would.

Apparently the actual door constructors have not been caught pink- or yellow-handed, which I find interesting. I mean—there are so many of the dag-blamed things that you’d expect that people would be tripping over one another as they install their work. Not to mention coming to blows over who has the rights to “door” a particular tree.

The local council has its work cut out for them in the door-abatement process. I’m sure there will be protests over the very concept of removing the fairy-portals. And how can you give esthetic reasons for demolishing the tacky ones and leaving only the twee? There might be fisticuffs yet.

I’m looking forward to the video.

Member matters

Following on yesterday's post, and filed under either W, T or F, a study published this week in the BJU International urology journal establishes the, um, average size of the human penis. It’s 13.12cm/5.16in erect; 11.66cm/9.16cm/3.6in flaccid.

The researchers collated measurements of more than 15,000 penises of men around the world, which must have made for interesting “what did you do at work” conversations with friends and families. It’s not entirely clear to me why, but I suppose the words “because”, “we” and “could” enter into it.

Also because they presumably got funding from somewhere.

(I was wondering how much a supply of sterile, disposable tape measures cost them? But then it turned out that this team didn’t actually go forth and measure; they just pulled, um, together metrics that were already out there. Although God knows why that would be.)

Also, I don’t know whether the notion that the results should help “reassure the large majority of men that the size of their penis is in the normal range” was part of the intention, or just one of the results. They even have a graph that healthcare providers can whip out when treating men with “small penis anxiety”.

They apparently didn’t find any correlation between the size of a man’s foot and the length of his penis. No mention of checking noses.

I liked the comment that while this study may be useful in reassuring men worried about their size, it might “have the unintended effect of denting the egos of those who thought they were abnormally well-endowed.”

And there we have the world in a nutshell: when it comes to men, you just can’t win.

They tried to kill us...

Today is the festival of Purim. Well, it started at sundown yesterday and runs to sundown today. It commemorates the unmasking of a plot by a Persian courtier to kill all Jews in the empire.

The person who foiled the genocide was the wife of King Ahaseurus, Queen Esther, who was a Jew. This took place in the 4^th Century BCE, but you’ll notice that history has been repeating itself pretty much ever since then.

Anyhow, Esther found out that the prime minister, Haman, was planning genocide, and she outed him in a clever way, which forms the basis of today’s celebration.

Esther won her position in a sort of beauty contest, which is a different history lesson altogether. However, her physical appeal does play into her ability to influence Ahaseurus, who hanged Haman. Then the Jews, given the right to defend themselves, killed a lot of those who wanted to destroy them.

And the next day they celebrated. Ergo Purim, which is a festival, involving feasting.

Here’s why I bring it up.

This image of Esther came around on social media, and I freely admit that Esther is quite the dish here, and you can see how Ahaseurus would let himself be guided by her rather than by Haman (who, by some accounts, had triangular ears).

However, I’ve always been more of a Judith girl myself. Her story is about triumphing over those who’d wish to destroy you, too, only she’s more of an actor than an influencer.

It seems that Holofernes led an invading army in behalf of Nebuchadnezzar, and he was proving successful against everyone, including the Jews, who had not actually been defeated, but they had become mightily discouraged.

One night, a widow named Judith sneaked into the enemy camp, entered the general’s tent and seduced him. Then, while he was lying basically exhausted, she cut off his head.

That proved enough to discourage his army, as well as invigorate the Jews’ army and they were saved.

Judith’s story did not make it into the mainstream Jewish and Protestant holy books (although the Roman and Orthodox Old Testaments include it). Possibly—and I’m just spitballing here—because it makes patriarchal power holders really uncomfortable to consider that while masses of armed males quail, a single woman has a set big enough to take care of business in a very direct, up-close-and-personal kind of way, involving a sharp blade and a swift stroke.

(I think there may also be some crossover angst revolving around the fact that a “head” was involved. You know how easy it is to confuse your heads when you’ve only got sufficient blood supply for one at a time.)

But it’s always appealed to me. Judith sees the problem, she weighs the possibilities, she makes a plan and she executes it. (Um.) She’s beautiful (you did see the part about seducing Holofernes, right?), smart, resolute, good with the cutlery and utterly courageous. Here's a woman who cuts through the crap, cuts to the chase, cuts through the carotid. I really like that in a broad.

As for images of Judith in action—there are quite a few famous ones. Here are two of my favorites. First by Gustave Klimt, painted in 1901.

I adore Klimt, and this is a gorgeous rendition, even though it’s lacking all context. Just this stunning woman, shimmering in gold, who happens to be holding the severed head of a barbarian.

Well, as you do.

My second—actually my very favorite—is by Artemisia Gentileschi, from the early 17^th Century. This one captures all the violence, power and resolve of Judith’s action.

Gentileschi was an incredible painter. She turned her own experience of being raped into the most vivid depiction yet of this story. It beats the daylights out of Caravaggio’s version. (I saw them both at an exhibition at the Royal Academy in 2001.)

Okay, well—back to today’s feast, which involves (among other things) Hamantashen and kreplach pastries. Sweet things to recall a good outcome.

And let me close with what a colleague of mine once said is the summary of all Jewish holidays:

“They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.”

Manly vice

This crossed my path over the weekend:

In case you are wondering, yes, it is two World War II-era German soldiers lighting cigarettes with their flamethrower.

Here’s a thought: perhaps that crowd calling themselves ISIS might take instruction from this. You know—let them get into a pissing match over who can use the largest weapon system to light up. The survivors’ videos will definitely go viral.

Gratitude Monday: Friendly help

Last week my Gratitude Monday post mentioned (somewhat obliquely) that I’m looking for fulltime employment. The post wasn’t actually about the job search, and Lord knows there’s little enough gratitude-worthy about being out of regular work (although I have found moments of brightness in it). Really, all I was doing was talking about how practicing gratitude makes a difference in my life.

So today I’m grateful that someone in Virginia, whom I know only through another friend (and then Facebook), read the post and reached out to me to ask where I live and what I’m looking for. Then she followed up with two introductions via LinkedIn.

One of those has already connected with me, and I hope to have a conversation with him soon.

Look—there’s no guarantee that this guy will lead to something I can really sink my teeth into. But it might—indirectly, if not directly.

And it’s the mere fact that someone noticed, offered to help, and then did so that completely makes my day. Just, you know, humanity and kindness. That makes all the difference in the universe when you’re trying to push through challenges.

It also reminds me to do the same wherever I see the opportunity, which is another cause for thanks.